Chewing gum is against the rules in band. Why is it against the rules? Have you ever tried to extract a piece of gum from the depths of a bass flute? (I haven't. But I'm going to bet it's not enjoyable.)
And yet people do it.
And then when they get caught, they do one of two things: pretend to spit it out, or SWALLOW it. And that's not good for your digestion.
Here's my question: Why would anybody WANT to chew gum in band?
Why chew gum at all? I've chewed gum, and it's really not worth breaking the rules to do it.
Does your instrument taste that bad?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
#50 Contest, part two.
Remember that post about the judges at music contests? Remember that? Wasn't that great? Wasn't that the funniest thing you ever read?
(If you're feeling left out right now, that was the last post. Scroll down a bit, you'll see it.)
Anyway, this post is about the musicians at music contests, because without them, there would be no music contests. Judging contests, perhaps, but not music.
Anyway, there are four main types you should watch for...
1. The guy who's really expressive with his body.
Have we covered this before? There will always be somebody who does this. They aren't necessarily good musicians, either. They could be thinking one of several things. "I hope all this breakdancing will distract the judge from my horrible playing," "I wonder if they'll count me down for bad posture?" and (from the pianists), "I don't care how this looks, my rear end is asleep and I have to move around a bit," are just a few.
2. The person who's really awesome and makes the rest of us feel inferior.
This is one good reason not to listen to anybody else's performance. If you do, you'll end up picking the one guy who's been playing the glass armonica and the marimba at the SAME TIME since he was two days old, while you don't even know what a glass armonica is (that deserves its own post) and you thought that "marimba" was an African language. You'll probably end up depressed and quit your instrument. Poor you.
3. The person who freaks out.
Everybody should feel sorry for this person. It's not her fault that she can't handle the pressure of these things. She's probably been shaking and sweating and regretting for a whole week, and hasn't slept the whole time, and when she gets up in front of people she just loses it. Here's what this person is thinking the whole time: "Ok, it's ok, I'm ok, I'm prepared, I've practiced a hundred million times, I've got this, what am I holding? An OBOE?! I don't play the OBOE! Do I? Well, I don't now, anyway. OH MY GOODNESS they just called my name! Was that my name? I can't remember my name! Why do we even HAVE names? What am I holding? Nothing? Where did my instrument go? Why does my cousin have it? Give me that! What song am I playing? I hope my family doesn't mind if I freak out and run away, which would mean driving fourteen hours here was for nothing..."
And then she passes out.
What? Why is the failure a girl, you ask? Nothing against them, it's just that...girls are more prone to faint.
4. The guy who just sits there and plays his music, like normal.
Lame, I know, but these people are ALL OVER THE PLACE. There's even one who lives in my house. These people don't do anything particularly bad, but the judges have to criticize SOMETHING, so they put on the score sheet, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY UNMUSICAL FREAK?! YOU JUST SAT THERE, AND PLAYED YOUR MUSIC, LIKE NORMAL!"
At least, they should.
(If you're feeling left out right now, that was the last post. Scroll down a bit, you'll see it.)
Anyway, this post is about the musicians at music contests, because without them, there would be no music contests. Judging contests, perhaps, but not music.
Anyway, there are four main types you should watch for...
1. The guy who's really expressive with his body.
Have we covered this before? There will always be somebody who does this. They aren't necessarily good musicians, either. They could be thinking one of several things. "I hope all this breakdancing will distract the judge from my horrible playing," "I wonder if they'll count me down for bad posture?" and (from the pianists), "I don't care how this looks, my rear end is asleep and I have to move around a bit," are just a few.
2. The person who's really awesome and makes the rest of us feel inferior.
This is one good reason not to listen to anybody else's performance. If you do, you'll end up picking the one guy who's been playing the glass armonica and the marimba at the SAME TIME since he was two days old, while you don't even know what a glass armonica is (that deserves its own post) and you thought that "marimba" was an African language. You'll probably end up depressed and quit your instrument. Poor you.
3. The person who freaks out.
Everybody should feel sorry for this person. It's not her fault that she can't handle the pressure of these things. She's probably been shaking and sweating and regretting for a whole week, and hasn't slept the whole time, and when she gets up in front of people she just loses it. Here's what this person is thinking the whole time: "Ok, it's ok, I'm ok, I'm prepared, I've practiced a hundred million times, I've got this, what am I holding? An OBOE?! I don't play the OBOE! Do I? Well, I don't now, anyway. OH MY GOODNESS they just called my name! Was that my name? I can't remember my name! Why do we even HAVE names? What am I holding? Nothing? Where did my instrument go? Why does my cousin have it? Give me that! What song am I playing? I hope my family doesn't mind if I freak out and run away, which would mean driving fourteen hours here was for nothing..."
And then she passes out.
What? Why is the failure a girl, you ask? Nothing against them, it's just that...girls are more prone to faint.
4. The guy who just sits there and plays his music, like normal.
Lame, I know, but these people are ALL OVER THE PLACE. There's even one who lives in my house. These people don't do anything particularly bad, but the judges have to criticize SOMETHING, so they put on the score sheet, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY UNMUSICAL FREAK?! YOU JUST SAT THERE, AND PLAYED YOUR MUSIC, LIKE NORMAL!"
At least, they should.
Friday, February 4, 2011
#49 Contest.
Have I talked about contest before? I can't remember. Well, if I did, you probably forgot, too, so here we go.
I'm going to piano contest tomorrow. Am I practicing on the night before? Apparently, no, I am writing a blog post. I've literally played the piece hundreds of times before. If it's not ready now, it never will be.
Anyway, whether you're going to piano, solo, ensemble, or large group contest, you always have to face...
THE JUDGES.
...and, beside the normal, you-did-this-good-this-needs-work type judges, there are basically four kinds you need to look for...
1. The judge who hates your guts.
Good luck getting anything better than a 3 from this guy. This judge hates you, and everything about you. He is, as my dad says, a musical snob, and you picked the ugliest, most unmusical song out there, and he hates it. He also hates your interpretation of it; his is much better. Why is he playing a song he hates? Who knows? He also hates your posture, your clothes, your hairdo, how tall you are, and the fact that you can say the alphabet backwards with your tongue rolled, and he can't do either. How does he know that, anyway?
2. The judge who is just kind of...dumb.
This guy is more of a rarity, but he's out there. It's one of the mysteries of life, how smart, hard-working people can fail at many things, but some really stupid people somehow get through the education system and become police officers, nurses, and, occassionally, musicians. You never know what kind of a score he'll give you, but even if you do a really horrible job, there's a chance that he'll give you a really high score.
3. The judge who can't read music.
How did this guy get here? You probably ran over the real judge's dog one time, and when he heard you were performing, he got depressed and hired his identical twin brother to take his place. This guy will ask for the score an inordinate amount of times, and pretend to be studying the section that looks the most difficult to him. He then tries to figure out what the terms on the score sheet mean, and not to give the same number on all of them. This guy is really easy to spot. He'll most likely give you a high score, since everybody who performs will impress him, and he won't leave any comments at all on the score sheet.
4. The old guy who falls asleep during every performance.
This is just one more reason to play a loud, flashy piece rather than a quiet one. This judge is probably about 114 years old, is a professor emeritus at the college, and has been to contest, as a contestant or a judge, since he before he was born, and it's kind of boring now. He's also kind of deaf, and doesn't feel like straining to hear your music. He, like the last guy, has to fake the score sheet, but he's better at doing it. After all, he has been at it for the past seven decades.
I'm going to piano contest tomorrow. Am I practicing on the night before? Apparently, no, I am writing a blog post. I've literally played the piece hundreds of times before. If it's not ready now, it never will be.
Anyway, whether you're going to piano, solo, ensemble, or large group contest, you always have to face...
THE JUDGES.
...and, beside the normal, you-did-this-good-this-needs-work type judges, there are basically four kinds you need to look for...
1. The judge who hates your guts.
Good luck getting anything better than a 3 from this guy. This judge hates you, and everything about you. He is, as my dad says, a musical snob, and you picked the ugliest, most unmusical song out there, and he hates it. He also hates your interpretation of it; his is much better. Why is he playing a song he hates? Who knows? He also hates your posture, your clothes, your hairdo, how tall you are, and the fact that you can say the alphabet backwards with your tongue rolled, and he can't do either. How does he know that, anyway?
2. The judge who is just kind of...dumb.
This guy is more of a rarity, but he's out there. It's one of the mysteries of life, how smart, hard-working people can fail at many things, but some really stupid people somehow get through the education system and become police officers, nurses, and, occassionally, musicians. You never know what kind of a score he'll give you, but even if you do a really horrible job, there's a chance that he'll give you a really high score.
3. The judge who can't read music.
How did this guy get here? You probably ran over the real judge's dog one time, and when he heard you were performing, he got depressed and hired his identical twin brother to take his place. This guy will ask for the score an inordinate amount of times, and pretend to be studying the section that looks the most difficult to him. He then tries to figure out what the terms on the score sheet mean, and not to give the same number on all of them. This guy is really easy to spot. He'll most likely give you a high score, since everybody who performs will impress him, and he won't leave any comments at all on the score sheet.
4. The old guy who falls asleep during every performance.
This is just one more reason to play a loud, flashy piece rather than a quiet one. This judge is probably about 114 years old, is a professor emeritus at the college, and has been to contest, as a contestant or a judge, since he before he was born, and it's kind of boring now. He's also kind of deaf, and doesn't feel like straining to hear your music. He, like the last guy, has to fake the score sheet, but he's better at doing it. After all, he has been at it for the past seven decades.
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