For those of you who haven't been playing the piano for 10+ years, there's a definite difference between pianos and keyboards.
In fact, there's a huge, gigantic, canyon-like difference.
One is an instrument.
One is...well, not an instrument.
Therefore, I bring to you today the:
Official Test of Keyboard Experience
If you have ever tried to play loudly on a keyboard, and it didn't work +2 points
If you have ever tried to play softly on a keyboard, and it didn't work +2 points
If you've ever tried to play anything longer than a quarter note, and it didn't work +4 points
If you've ever played a song that has a glissando at the end that goes all the way to the top key and then when you played it for the keyboard on the first time you find out that it doesn't actually have 88 keys so you have to improvise the ending +8 points
You won first in the competition anyway -5 points
You've started playing a quick passage, and the MC had to come hold the keyboard steady because it was rocking back and forth +5
You've wondered why, if they're not going put 88 keys on there, they won't make it go from F to F, instead of from C to C +15 points
You've played Classical or Baroque especially on a keyboard and justified it to yourself by saying it was "historically informed performance," when it's really not +8 points
How did you score?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
#41 Lasers.
In my day, I have seen a great many people pretend their instruments were guns.
That is dumb.
However, I have never been to a concert where the instruments had lasers on them.
I've never been to a laser show, and I may be wrong, but it sounds boring. Classical music bores people anyway, so if you put the two together, it obviously makes awesome, which isn't gramatically correct.
You've seen how marching bands sway their instruments back and forth. How about fully choreographed formations in the darks with lasers from the swaying instruments, along with a conductor who's dancing around. Probably holding a laser pointer.
That's me.
I might even throw some Stryper in there. If I can figure out how to make a black laser.
That is dumb.
However, I have never been to a concert where the instruments had lasers on them.
I've never been to a laser show, and I may be wrong, but it sounds boring. Classical music bores people anyway, so if you put the two together, it obviously makes awesome, which isn't gramatically correct.
You've seen how marching bands sway their instruments back and forth. How about fully choreographed formations in the darks with lasers from the swaying instruments, along with a conductor who's dancing around. Probably holding a laser pointer.
That's me.
I might even throw some Stryper in there. If I can figure out how to make a black laser.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
#40 I would NOT grow a beard.
I don't need to tell you that our band teacher isn't very intimidating.Actually, yes I do. You've probably never seen him.
At any rate, one day some people told him he should grow a beard.
Unfortunately for them, he's allergic to facial hair.
And yet, he's not exactly what you'd call "clean-shaven."
However, musicians should never grow beards.
Think about it. Who has beards?
ZZ Top.
David Crowder.
Debussy. (Yes, I have a deep dislike for the music of Debussy.)
The only good musician that had a beard was Brahms (pictured), and he did it right.
Not like people grow beards today.
Not to mention his SWEET tie.
The ancient Greeks thought that beards separated the men from the boys.
Times changes, my Greeks. Beards separate the musicians from the drummers. (Although Brice did shave his off.)
Mutton chops, however, are acceptable.
Rossini, who wrote William Tell, had mutton chops.
Beethoven, who wrote everything else, had mutton chops (when he was younger).
Martin van Buren had mutton chops.
What's that you say? Van Buren was a president?
Perhaps, but he was the coolest president to ever be elected.
#39 I would dance around while conducting.
All right, I admit that with the cowbell and things, this conducting thing is getting really crowded.
Therefore, I'll only do this during concerts.
Sometimes, Mr. Band Teacher does Moderately Dramatic Conducting Gestures, which really aren't that funny. Having been to a concert in every concert hall in the world, I know how strange conductors can get. Everybody else in the band room doesn't have this kind of experience.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and can barely breathe, let alone conduct. You think they're going to die in the middle of the performance. It's a good thing they're deaf, or the sforzandos might give them heart attacks.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and yet REALLY hyper. Like Ton Koopman. (Does 'Ton' rhyme with 'Ron,' or 'Run'?) He has a beard (which is an automatic sign of weirdness in a musician), and the way he conducts you'd think he was bending over to tie his shoe every other beat.
I am going to dance around.
I'm going to be like the Dallas Cowboys. Either you LOVE me, or you HATE me, but either way I'm really rich and have a 90-yard TV.
Every once in a while, I'll even wear a Stryper-flavored tie.
Maybe even a Stryper-flavored suit.
You may be thinking, "Don't Baptists think dancing is wrong?"
In that case, I'm thinking, "Who told you I was a Baptist?"
To answer the first question: kind of.
School dances are pointless.
Halftime show dances are wrong for obvious reasons.
Organized crowds who dance in music videos are a crime against music.
Dancing at weddings...we don't dance at weddings. (Don't ask to explain; I've never been married.)
However, David did dance before the Lord.
We're allowed to do happy, I-just-won-a-million-dollars-on-a-game-show dances.
And occasionally, we're allowed to dance for the sake of conducting. Right?
Don't worry, I won't push it. Just an occasional hammertime across the stage.
Therefore, I'll only do this during concerts.
Sometimes, Mr. Band Teacher does Moderately Dramatic Conducting Gestures, which really aren't that funny. Having been to a concert in every concert hall in the world, I know how strange conductors can get. Everybody else in the band room doesn't have this kind of experience.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and can barely breathe, let alone conduct. You think they're going to die in the middle of the performance. It's a good thing they're deaf, or the sforzandos might give them heart attacks.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and yet REALLY hyper. Like Ton Koopman. (Does 'Ton' rhyme with 'Ron,' or 'Run'?) He has a beard (which is an automatic sign of weirdness in a musician), and the way he conducts you'd think he was bending over to tie his shoe every other beat.
I am going to dance around.
I'm going to be like the Dallas Cowboys. Either you LOVE me, or you HATE me, but either way I'm really rich and have a 90-yard TV.
Every once in a while, I'll even wear a Stryper-flavored tie.
Maybe even a Stryper-flavored suit.
You may be thinking, "Don't Baptists think dancing is wrong?"
In that case, I'm thinking, "Who told you I was a Baptist?"
To answer the first question: kind of.
School dances are pointless.
Halftime show dances are wrong for obvious reasons.
Organized crowds who dance in music videos are a crime against music.
Dancing at weddings...we don't dance at weddings. (Don't ask to explain; I've never been married.)
However, David did dance before the Lord.
We're allowed to do happy, I-just-won-a-million-dollars-on-a-game-show dances.
And occasionally, we're allowed to dance for the sake of conducting. Right?
Don't worry, I won't push it. Just an occasional hammertime across the stage.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
#38 Metronomes.
The keyboard in our bandroom has a built-in metronome. Not that we use it. Except for that one time. I can't remember which band teacher it was, but he/she had to adjust it several times to match our tempo during the song.
Cause we couldn't hear it. Duh.
I want a metronome for Christmas. There is a metronome online that I use, but I don't really like to do that, because without fail, when I open it up and play the piano to it, someone always comes over to get on the computer. Then I can't adjust it or turn it off. So I just finish what I'm doing, say, "You can turn that off now," and leave.
But that volume on the computer is still turned all the way up.
That's what you get for taking over when I'm using the metronome.
Cause we couldn't hear it. Duh.
I want a metronome for Christmas. There is a metronome online that I use, but I don't really like to do that, because without fail, when I open it up and play the piano to it, someone always comes over to get on the computer. Then I can't adjust it or turn it off. So I just finish what I'm doing, say, "You can turn that off now," and leave.
But that volume on the computer is still turned all the way up.
That's what you get for taking over when I'm using the metronome.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
#37 F. Liszt, young man, is Fliszt.
In case you were wondering, here it is: Franz Liszt was the most talented man to ever live.
Maybe.
In my opinion, the most talented man in living memory.
But what about...Jubal?
Genesis 4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
Now, of course mankind was much more intelligent then. People were probably also more musically talented.
What would happen if Jubal and Liszt had a conversation? Let's imagine for a moment that Liszt got converted on his deathbed (hey, it's possible), and also that arguments are possible in Heaven. Here's how it would go down...
Jubal: Hey, aren't you that punk pianist from the 1800's?
Liszt: Yeah...many hail me as the greatest pianist of all time.
Jubal: Yeah right. Everybody knows that I was way more talented than you.
Liszt: But pianos weren't even invented when you were alive, so my statement stands.
Jubal: That's probably true, but I played music twice as hard as yours. With my nose.
Liszt: Gross.
Jubal: Believe me, there were way less germs back in my day. But that's beside that point. I eat your etudes for breakfast.
Liszt: You have no idea what kind of musical madness I would have turned out if I hadn't died so young.
Jubal: You were seventy-five! Besides, you retired from composing to become a priest, so technically you shouldn't even be here.
Liszt: It was always my dream to become a priest...
Chopin: Why did you mess around with that one lady if you wanted to be a priest?
Liszt: Well, you did too.
Jubal: Whoa whoa whoa, guys, this is not appropriate heavenly conversation. And who are you anyway?
Chopin: Chopin. You know, the most talented pianist of all time.
Liszt: I don't think so. I am. You're just the most talented composer of all time. Or you would be, if you composed for something other than just the piano.
Jubal: Hey now, I'm the most talented composer of all time.
Liszt: How do we know that? I mean, the Bible just says that you were the father of all that handle the harp and organ. It doesn't say that you did.
Jubal: Just ask my brother here, Jabal.
Chopin: You don't have a brother named Jabal. You made that up.
Jubal: No I didn't. I also have a brother named Tubal.
Liszt: His name was Tubalcain, not Tubal.
At least, that's I picture it happening. What do you think Jubal would say to Liszt if he had that chance?
Maybe.
In my opinion, the most talented man in living memory.
But what about...Jubal?
Genesis 4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
Now, of course mankind was much more intelligent then. People were probably also more musically talented.
What would happen if Jubal and Liszt had a conversation? Let's imagine for a moment that Liszt got converted on his deathbed (hey, it's possible), and also that arguments are possible in Heaven. Here's how it would go down...
Jubal: Hey, aren't you that punk pianist from the 1800's?
Liszt: Yeah...many hail me as the greatest pianist of all time.
Jubal: Yeah right. Everybody knows that I was way more talented than you.
Liszt: But pianos weren't even invented when you were alive, so my statement stands.
Jubal: That's probably true, but I played music twice as hard as yours. With my nose.
Liszt: Gross.
Jubal: Believe me, there were way less germs back in my day. But that's beside that point. I eat your etudes for breakfast.
Liszt: You have no idea what kind of musical madness I would have turned out if I hadn't died so young.
Jubal: You were seventy-five! Besides, you retired from composing to become a priest, so technically you shouldn't even be here.
Liszt: It was always my dream to become a priest...
Chopin: Why did you mess around with that one lady if you wanted to be a priest?
Liszt: Well, you did too.
Jubal: Whoa whoa whoa, guys, this is not appropriate heavenly conversation. And who are you anyway?
Chopin: Chopin. You know, the most talented pianist of all time.
Liszt: I don't think so. I am. You're just the most talented composer of all time. Or you would be, if you composed for something other than just the piano.
Jubal: Hey now, I'm the most talented composer of all time.
Liszt: How do we know that? I mean, the Bible just says that you were the father of all that handle the harp and organ. It doesn't say that you did.
Jubal: Just ask my brother here, Jabal.
Chopin: You don't have a brother named Jabal. You made that up.
Jubal: No I didn't. I also have a brother named Tubal.
Liszt: His name was Tubalcain, not Tubal.
At least, that's I picture it happening. What do you think Jubal would say to Liszt if he had that chance?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
#36 The Apolo Ohno Approach
For those of you who don't know, Apolo Ohno is an Olympic-level speed skater, and during races he settles in near the back until late in the race, when he makes his move.
This year (which may have been his last Olympics), he did NOT get a gold medal. Of course, when asked if the Canadian officials may have had anything to do with his unfair disqualification, he didn't deny it.
But that is not the point.
Our band teacher has a similar approach.
He hands out the concert music sometime in October. None of us really enjoy concert music that much. That's why colleges have concert bands and pep bands and symphony orchestras and jazz bands and marching bands all separated. Anyway, we don't play eighty percent of the music he hands out, which is probably a good thing (we have NO Beethoven in our vault! None whatsoever). So, we play the music every day, except for the one random day he doesn't feel like directing so we just play pep band by ourselves while he sits in his office and cuts out paper cornucopias and snowflakes. Cool.
But the point is, we mostly JUST play the music. He doesn't give much advice, doesn't say "change this," and yells at the drummers once in a while, but doesn't try to change what they do.
About two weeks before the concert, everything changes.
Suddenly, he's all about articulation and dynamics and who has the wood block? (Let's not forget, they BROKE the wood block.)
Also, he asked me if he ran me over.
Certainly not, my band teacher.
And who's got the crash cymbals?
And the bells?
And the duck?
Just kidding. We ate the duck for Saint Patrick's Day.
Well it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but here's what it comes down to: If the band teacher wants good music with short stacatos and wood blocks and all of that fun stuff, talk to musicians.
The high schoolers will be eating a duck.
This year (which may have been his last Olympics), he did NOT get a gold medal. Of course, when asked if the Canadian officials may have had anything to do with his unfair disqualification, he didn't deny it.
But that is not the point.
Our band teacher has a similar approach.
He hands out the concert music sometime in October. None of us really enjoy concert music that much. That's why colleges have concert bands and pep bands and symphony orchestras and jazz bands and marching bands all separated. Anyway, we don't play eighty percent of the music he hands out, which is probably a good thing (we have NO Beethoven in our vault! None whatsoever). So, we play the music every day, except for the one random day he doesn't feel like directing so we just play pep band by ourselves while he sits in his office and cuts out paper cornucopias and snowflakes. Cool.
But the point is, we mostly JUST play the music. He doesn't give much advice, doesn't say "change this," and yells at the drummers once in a while, but doesn't try to change what they do.
About two weeks before the concert, everything changes.
Suddenly, he's all about articulation and dynamics and who has the wood block? (Let's not forget, they BROKE the wood block.)
Also, he asked me if he ran me over.
Certainly not, my band teacher.
And who's got the crash cymbals?
And the bells?
And the duck?
Just kidding. We ate the duck for Saint Patrick's Day.
Well it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but here's what it comes down to: If the band teacher wants good music with short stacatos and wood blocks and all of that fun stuff, talk to musicians.
The high schoolers will be eating a duck.
Friday, November 19, 2010
#35 NO decorations.
We have fake dead leaves all over our band room. Why do we have fake dead leaves all over our band room? I do not know why we have fake dead leaves in our band room. I guess we're just festive that way.
I hate fall.
There is nothing good about fall.
Taking the cold, bitter season into the warm band room (VERY warm band room) was not a good idea.
Let's not do this.
I hate fall.
There is nothing good about fall.
Taking the cold, bitter season into the warm band room (VERY warm band room) was not a good idea.
Let's not do this.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
#34 Graduation.
There is only one thing that separates playing for graduation from playing for homecoming: we're sitting down, and we're indoors. (And you thought musicians could count.) Seriously, this is something we don't enjoy any more than the graduates or the audience.
Wait, isn't that everybody?
And why do we say "Happy Graduation" anyway?
Graduation (more formally called "Commencement," if you're named Chad and go to Vanderbilt University) is a ceremony. Now, saying "Happy Birthday," that makes sense. I mean, after all, on you're birthday you're officially considered a year older, and that depresses sensible people who get depressed over stuff like that, so we thought we'd just say "Happy Birthday" and hope that for some reason that makes you happy. Yeah, we don't know you well enough and/or were too cheap to get you a card or a present, and we don't really care if you're happy on any other day of the year.
Except graduation. We hope you enjoy that.
For real? Why is graduation the only ceremony that we do this? You'll never hear anybody say "Happy Ordination," but then again, most people preach a sermon for their ordination, and of course it's not their first sermon or how did they get ordained in the first place? This is different. You only have one graduation.
Actually, some people have two.
Or three.
But that's less than the number of sermons you preach to get ordained.
What about...uh...are graduations and ordinations the only two ceremonies out there that have actual names?
Let's talk some more about graduations...
A graduation is when you go sit in a really really really hot gym and wait twenty minutes before you start to hear boring music that you hear at EVERY graduation. Then a bunch of people you don't know start to walk in and can't seem to walk in time to the music. They probably don't even hear it. After they take twenty minutes walking to the front of the gym (why can't they enter from that side, anyway?) they all sit down and you hear a boring speech from the superintendent and/or principal. Then, you hear boring speeches by two of the students that you don't know, but they're smart and usually keep it short. How do we know they're smart?
What, did you think they'd get stupid people to do the speeches?
Then, we watch for fifteen minutes to three hours, depending on the number of students, while they walk across the stage getting diplomas, and in some cases there isn't even a diploma in that weird leather-looking case thing, but I can't remember why, because this is the time of year about as far away from a graduation in the past or future as you can get.
After all that, they leave, which is the best part, because that's when you get to hear music you've never heard before. Unless you went to the graduation last year. But you've forgotten it. Everyone has a different recession song, none of which have anything to do with the recession. That would be too depressing. Our song sounds something like Star Wars/Creatures of the Night (Mannheim Steamroller version)/Chopin funeral march/some Toreador Song thrown in the middle. (What? You've never the Toreador Song? You need to go to more operas.)
This is all very depressing. That's why we say "Happy Graduation," because we know you won't like it.
Homeschool graduations are only slightly different.
You didn't even know homeschoolers had graduations, did you?
Neither did I, until I went to one.
There are two basic reasons homeschoolers have graduations. First, to show that we can compete with anything the public school throws out. Second, so that the parents can say, "Come see our children! This is the one time of year they actually come out! They really do exist!"
Has this been a long post to you? I have to keep you reading until a graduation. Unless you're going to a December graduation. Good luck connecting this with being a band teacher.
Wait, isn't that everybody?
And why do we say "Happy Graduation" anyway?
Graduation (more formally called "Commencement," if you're named Chad and go to Vanderbilt University) is a ceremony. Now, saying "Happy Birthday," that makes sense. I mean, after all, on you're birthday you're officially considered a year older, and that depresses sensible people who get depressed over stuff like that, so we thought we'd just say "Happy Birthday" and hope that for some reason that makes you happy. Yeah, we don't know you well enough and/or were too cheap to get you a card or a present, and we don't really care if you're happy on any other day of the year.
Except graduation. We hope you enjoy that.
For real? Why is graduation the only ceremony that we do this? You'll never hear anybody say "Happy Ordination," but then again, most people preach a sermon for their ordination, and of course it's not their first sermon or how did they get ordained in the first place? This is different. You only have one graduation.
Actually, some people have two.
Or three.
But that's less than the number of sermons you preach to get ordained.
What about...uh...are graduations and ordinations the only two ceremonies out there that have actual names?
Let's talk some more about graduations...
A graduation is when you go sit in a really really really hot gym and wait twenty minutes before you start to hear boring music that you hear at EVERY graduation. Then a bunch of people you don't know start to walk in and can't seem to walk in time to the music. They probably don't even hear it. After they take twenty minutes walking to the front of the gym (why can't they enter from that side, anyway?) they all sit down and you hear a boring speech from the superintendent and/or principal. Then, you hear boring speeches by two of the students that you don't know, but they're smart and usually keep it short. How do we know they're smart?
What, did you think they'd get stupid people to do the speeches?
Then, we watch for fifteen minutes to three hours, depending on the number of students, while they walk across the stage getting diplomas, and in some cases there isn't even a diploma in that weird leather-looking case thing, but I can't remember why, because this is the time of year about as far away from a graduation in the past or future as you can get.
After all that, they leave, which is the best part, because that's when you get to hear music you've never heard before. Unless you went to the graduation last year. But you've forgotten it. Everyone has a different recession song, none of which have anything to do with the recession. That would be too depressing. Our song sounds something like Star Wars/Creatures of the Night (Mannheim Steamroller version)/Chopin funeral march/some Toreador Song thrown in the middle. (What? You've never the Toreador Song? You need to go to more operas.)
This is all very depressing. That's why we say "Happy Graduation," because we know you won't like it.
Homeschool graduations are only slightly different.
You didn't even know homeschoolers had graduations, did you?
Neither did I, until I went to one.
There are two basic reasons homeschoolers have graduations. First, to show that we can compete with anything the public school throws out. Second, so that the parents can say, "Come see our children! This is the one time of year they actually come out! They really do exist!"
Has this been a long post to you? I have to keep you reading until a graduation. Unless you're going to a December graduation. Good luck connecting this with being a band teacher.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
#33 The woodwinds that wait until everybody else starts playing to put their instruments together.
This is a strange phenomenon.
There are a few woodwinds (usually thirds and occassionally seconds) that don't seem to realize they're in band class until the teacher tells them to play the scale. And we're all like, seriously? You've had at least three minutes to set up, and you haven't opened your case yet? Did you forget the combination?
No, they haven't. They just sit there. Probably thinking about doughnut holes. (Band members' minds work that way. They don't think about doughnuts, just the holes.) Then, when the teacher tells them to play the concert b flat scale, they're suddenly like, "Oh my, what is this odd rectangular solid resting on my lap? It has clasps and a handle. Maybe it's a briefcase full of money (or doughnut holes)." Then, they open the case, and with a gasp of surprise, they're like, "Oh my goodness! It's a clarinet! I played the clarinet in high school, you know." (Who are they talking to?)
Do they really expect to get away with this? There's a little bit of logic behind it, though. They think everyone will look at them and nod with affirmation and say, "Well they are woodwinds. Those instruments take a long time to put together. Not like the 1.7 seconds it takes to assemble a trumpet."
I have personally put together a clarinet, and it doesn't take that long. Now if you play the one octocontrabass clarinet in existence, I would have a little more sympathy for you. That thing goes lower than a piano.
However, you conventional b-flat clarinets get no mercy.
If only I were the band teacher.
There are a few woodwinds (usually thirds and occassionally seconds) that don't seem to realize they're in band class until the teacher tells them to play the scale. And we're all like, seriously? You've had at least three minutes to set up, and you haven't opened your case yet? Did you forget the combination?
No, they haven't. They just sit there. Probably thinking about doughnut holes. (Band members' minds work that way. They don't think about doughnuts, just the holes.) Then, when the teacher tells them to play the concert b flat scale, they're suddenly like, "Oh my, what is this odd rectangular solid resting on my lap? It has clasps and a handle. Maybe it's a briefcase full of money (or doughnut holes)." Then, they open the case, and with a gasp of surprise, they're like, "Oh my goodness! It's a clarinet! I played the clarinet in high school, you know." (Who are they talking to?)
Do they really expect to get away with this? There's a little bit of logic behind it, though. They think everyone will look at them and nod with affirmation and say, "Well they are woodwinds. Those instruments take a long time to put together. Not like the 1.7 seconds it takes to assemble a trumpet."
I have personally put together a clarinet, and it doesn't take that long. Now if you play the one octocontrabass clarinet in existence, I would have a little more sympathy for you. That thing goes lower than a piano.
However, you conventional b-flat clarinets get no mercy.
If only I were the band teacher.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
#32 I would use this.
Yes, this was referenced in the earlier post about good posture. However, it deserves its own post.
Ahem.
How do you remember whether to pull out or push in when you're out of tune?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
I know, a little strong for a family-oriented blog, but work with me.
And the answer is not "OW!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!! CALL 911!!"
No.
You will very calmly and quietly say, "It's sharp. Pull it out."
So, if you're sharp, pull it out.
If you're flat...sorry. We don't have a device for that.
Ahem.
How do you remember whether to pull out or push in when you're out of tune?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
I know, a little strong for a family-oriented blog, but work with me.
And the answer is not "OW!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!! CALL 911!!"
No.
You will very calmly and quietly say, "It's sharp. Pull it out."
So, if you're sharp, pull it out.
If you're flat...sorry. We don't have a device for that.
#31 I would wear a powdered wig.
Who doesn't love powdered wigs? This won't be just your regular Mozart powdered wig, though, it will be a Bach wig. If you're ever trying to explain the difference between Baroque and Classical music to a layman, just point to the wigs of those two guys.
Bach's is long a full and luscious and curly.
Mozart's is short and...blah.
But very organized.
A very good way to remember.
Bach's is long a full and luscious and curly.
Mozart's is short and...blah.
But very organized.
A very good way to remember.
Monday, November 8, 2010
#30 I would hope that the students didn't have the kinds of problems most musicians have.
We musicians are a strange bunch. Those of us who don't die young (Mozart and Chopin, both in their 30's) or have stomach problems (Paganini) usually have bad psychological disorders, like Beethoven. Beethoven was probably bipolar, and being deaf didn't help. And, he had an annoying nephew.
Today I discovered that I probably have self-defeating personality disorder and/or I'm passive-aggressive. That explained a lot to me about myself. Like why I want to yell at people when they compliment me, for example. Or why I push so hard for getting what I want and then feeling guilty when I get it. I used to blame my stubbornness on being half German, but I no longer use that excuse. I can use this one. Mental disorders are way better than inherited ones.
I have a strange mind.
Anyway, as disturbing as the above information might be, imagine dealing with a whole classroom of those dangerous musicians. About the classical musician I know that didn't have these problems was J.S. Bach, although secretly he wanted a wig like J.C. Bach, who really wished he had sideburns like Beethoven, who wanted a nice red jacket like Mozart, who would have been really glad he wasn't as fat as Rossini, had he lived to see him.
On second thought, though, Bach's wife did die. All these other guys were too dysfunctional to get a wife. Especially Beethoven. Let's all not be like Beethoven. That is definitely going to written on my markerboard.
Today I discovered that I probably have self-defeating personality disorder and/or I'm passive-aggressive. That explained a lot to me about myself. Like why I want to yell at people when they compliment me, for example. Or why I push so hard for getting what I want and then feeling guilty when I get it. I used to blame my stubbornness on being half German, but I no longer use that excuse. I can use this one. Mental disorders are way better than inherited ones.
I have a strange mind.
Anyway, as disturbing as the above information might be, imagine dealing with a whole classroom of those dangerous musicians. About the classical musician I know that didn't have these problems was J.S. Bach, although secretly he wanted a wig like J.C. Bach, who really wished he had sideburns like Beethoven, who wanted a nice red jacket like Mozart, who would have been really glad he wasn't as fat as Rossini, had he lived to see him.
On second thought, though, Bach's wife did die. All these other guys were too dysfunctional to get a wife. Especially Beethoven. Let's all not be like Beethoven. That is definitely going to written on my markerboard.
Friday, November 5, 2010
#29 Accidentally sending people to the office.
Brice's new saying is, "It was an accident."
If by that alone you can't tell that he's a drummer, you're not a true band member.
Let me tell you, the drummers in our band get away with everything. Having the strong sense of justice that moves me to mug people who just mugged people, I can't stand that. However, also having the strong sense of not wanting to get thrown out of the school for taking matters into my own hands, I sit there, helpless.
On a side note, don't you hate those people who just laugh when teachers are yelling at people? Way to undermine the leader's authority. That'll blow up in your face later in life.
Am I venting in public?
What a shame.
But I digress.
If I were a band teacher, things would be different. If those wisenheimer (yes, that's a real word) kids told me it was an accident, they would sent to the office, or as I like to call it, the Doom Room. Actually, I just made that up.
Then, just before they left the band room, I would say, "It was an accident." Then I would turn to the class and say, "Don't you just hate it when you accidentally send someone to the office?" And they would all laugh.
And then, I would say, "None of you are safe."
A fascinating phenomenon, accidents.
If by that alone you can't tell that he's a drummer, you're not a true band member.
Let me tell you, the drummers in our band get away with everything. Having the strong sense of justice that moves me to mug people who just mugged people, I can't stand that. However, also having the strong sense of not wanting to get thrown out of the school for taking matters into my own hands, I sit there, helpless.
On a side note, don't you hate those people who just laugh when teachers are yelling at people? Way to undermine the leader's authority. That'll blow up in your face later in life.
Am I venting in public?
What a shame.
But I digress.
If I were a band teacher, things would be different. If those wisenheimer (yes, that's a real word) kids told me it was an accident, they would sent to the office, or as I like to call it, the Doom Room. Actually, I just made that up.
Then, just before they left the band room, I would say, "It was an accident." Then I would turn to the class and say, "Don't you just hate it when you accidentally send someone to the office?" And they would all laugh.
And then, I would say, "None of you are safe."
A fascinating phenomenon, accidents.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
#28 Instead of writing "Mr. Neumann" on the board, I'll write, "You don't say N. Eumann."
For those of you who don't know Victor Borge, this doesn't make sense at all. The line comes from a skit of his which you can watch here. You can watch the whole thing if you want to, but it's eight minutes long and you need to get back to reading this blog. The only part you need to see to understand the line is from about 5:40 to 6:10. Enjoy.
#27 Venting.
I was talking to a friend last night online. For the sake of privacy, all of the one name in this post will be changed.
Let's call her "Arwen."
I'm fairly sure that I don't know anyone named Arwen.
So I was talking to Arwen, and she was having a really bad day, and so she was venting on me. There's nothing wrong with venting on me, but I really don't know how to handle it. Especially when she says stuff like:
Do I?
I can't imagine that.
Well I'll just go back to being happy "Arwen" who goes around frolicking with sheep. BAAA!
Now, if you know this person, you know that that's a perfectly normal thing for her to say. I didn't think that she was losing her mind or anything. I was just like...am I supposed to laugh? Was that intended to be funny? Do I catch a hint of bitter sarcasm in that statement?
I am professionally worried.
I'm still not sure what she meant.
Now, if my friend out there ever reads this, I'm not trying to make light of her situation at all. She's facing some really hard decisions and she was tired and had bad day. I think it's great that she considers me a good enough friend to be open and sincere in the stuff she wanted to talk about and that she trusts me not to gossip about her to all two of her friends that I know, which are both named "one of my sisters."
However, I just thought she should know.
NEVER DO THIS IN PUBLIC.
On also yesterday (dude, two venting stories in one post, this is out of control), there was a football game in town. Since it was playoffs, the band doesn't play there. Now, being the perceptive and intelligent person that I am (my dad told me), I knew that. However, other people didn't, so Mr. Band Teacher got asked several times in class whether we were playing or not. Then, one of the drummers asked.
He got yelled at.
"No! And if you would listen to me the first time, you wouldn't have to ask!"
So Luke (looks like there was more than one name) says, "If I could hear you the first time, I wouldn't have to ask!"
Mr. Band Teacher turned back to his stand.
And Luke said to himself, "Goodness.*"
"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME, MR. SPRICK?!?!?!?!" and he bangs the piano.
No, he didn't, apparently.
Now, I don't know what was going on inside the teacher's head at that time. Maybe he was just having a Monday. Maybe he was just yelling at Luke because he was a drummer.
I don't know.
What's that you say? That's not technically venting?
Probably not, but if I as your band teacher ever start venting in class, I want you to do at least one of these things to me:
1. Say, "You're venting again."
Simple? Yes. Maybe that's why it probably won't work. Try number two:
2. Start playing the concert B flat scale.
That always seems to have a calming effect on our band teacher. I don't know why. I'd probably feel better if you gave me a pizza, but that's a little unreasonable for a student. If all else fails, try number three:
3. Suppress me.
For those of you who haven't read Alice in Wonderland, that means stuff me in a sack and sit on me. Now, if I don't get too caught up in the social injustices of being a teacher in today's system of education, I'll probably go to sleep. That will be the best for both of us.
So, there you have it. I hope I never get caught venting in public. I always regret it.
Maybe if I just kept a sheep around. That might solve all my problems.
Let's call her "Arwen."
I'm fairly sure that I don't know anyone named Arwen.
So I was talking to Arwen, and she was having a really bad day, and so she was venting on me. There's nothing wrong with venting on me, but I really don't know how to handle it. Especially when she says stuff like:
Do I?
I can't imagine that.
Well I'll just go back to being happy "Arwen" who goes around frolicking with sheep. BAAA!
Now, if you know this person, you know that that's a perfectly normal thing for her to say. I didn't think that she was losing her mind or anything. I was just like...am I supposed to laugh? Was that intended to be funny? Do I catch a hint of bitter sarcasm in that statement?
I am professionally worried.
I'm still not sure what she meant.
Now, if my friend out there ever reads this, I'm not trying to make light of her situation at all. She's facing some really hard decisions and she was tired and had bad day. I think it's great that she considers me a good enough friend to be open and sincere in the stuff she wanted to talk about and that she trusts me not to gossip about her to all two of her friends that I know, which are both named "one of my sisters."
However, I just thought she should know.
NEVER DO THIS IN PUBLIC.
On also yesterday (dude, two venting stories in one post, this is out of control), there was a football game in town. Since it was playoffs, the band doesn't play there. Now, being the perceptive and intelligent person that I am (my dad told me), I knew that. However, other people didn't, so Mr. Band Teacher got asked several times in class whether we were playing or not. Then, one of the drummers asked.
He got yelled at.
"No! And if you would listen to me the first time, you wouldn't have to ask!"
So Luke (looks like there was more than one name) says, "If I could hear you the first time, I wouldn't have to ask!"
Mr. Band Teacher turned back to his stand.
And Luke said to himself, "Goodness.*"
"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME, MR. SPRICK?!?!?!?!" and he bangs the piano.
No, he didn't, apparently.
Now, I don't know what was going on inside the teacher's head at that time. Maybe he was just having a Monday. Maybe he was just yelling at Luke because he was a drummer.
I don't know.
What's that you say? That's not technically venting?
Probably not, but if I as your band teacher ever start venting in class, I want you to do at least one of these things to me:
1. Say, "You're venting again."
Simple? Yes. Maybe that's why it probably won't work. Try number two:
2. Start playing the concert B flat scale.
That always seems to have a calming effect on our band teacher. I don't know why. I'd probably feel better if you gave me a pizza, but that's a little unreasonable for a student. If all else fails, try number three:
3. Suppress me.
For those of you who haven't read Alice in Wonderland, that means stuff me in a sack and sit on me. Now, if I don't get too caught up in the social injustices of being a teacher in today's system of education, I'll probably go to sleep. That will be the best for both of us.
So, there you have it. I hope I never get caught venting in public. I always regret it.
Maybe if I just kept a sheep around. That might solve all my problems.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
#26 There would be a giant painting of John Phillip Sousa.
John Phillip Sousa was one of the awesomest people to ever be John Phillip Sousa. (Were there more than one? Why don't you look that up.)
He wrote "Stars and Stripes Forever."
He invented the sousaphone.
He should have called it the "johnaphone." Actually, maybe it's a good thing he didn't. There brings a picture of someone playing an instrument resembling a toilet to my mind.
In my band room, there will be a giant painting of this guy.
After all, we have a lot in common.
We're both named John.
Both of our middle names are Jehoshaphat. (What? You think it was Phillip? Crazy talk.)
I'll probably be the one to do the painting.
But what's that you say?
I can't paint?
I've only ever heard one song by Sousa?
I don't even know what Sousa looked like?
I almost automatically reject music if it was written between 1827 and 2000?
Crazy talk.
He wrote "Stars and Stripes Forever."
He invented the sousaphone.
He should have called it the "johnaphone." Actually, maybe it's a good thing he didn't. There brings a picture of someone playing an instrument resembling a toilet to my mind.
In my band room, there will be a giant painting of this guy.
After all, we have a lot in common.
We're both named John.
Both of our middle names are Jehoshaphat. (What? You think it was Phillip? Crazy talk.)
I'll probably be the one to do the painting.
But what's that you say?
I can't paint?
I've only ever heard one song by Sousa?
I don't even know what Sousa looked like?
I almost automatically reject music if it was written between 1827 and 2000?
Crazy talk.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
#25 The band members would keep their shirts on.
Today, it was hot in the band room.
Maybe it was because it was below freezing outside.
But it was hot.
Mr. Band Teacher (we're good at protecting privacy on this blog) said that "Unless someone messed with my thermostat, it should be 69 degrees."
Yeah, only here's the problem. It's fall. The heat's on, not the air conditioning. Therefore, it can get to 200 degrees without anyone adjusting the thermostat.
It was hot.
It was even hotter six feet above the floor on the risers.
For those of you who didn't know this, we have drummers who are very...drummer-like.
For those of you not in band, that would be a hyperactive kid who just had a pop.
So, the drummers were hot. And, since they're drummers, they do a lot more physical flying around than we do, so they were hotter than the rest of us.
Luke said, "I will take my shirt off."
Mr. Band Teacher said, "All right."
And he took his shirt off. (Luke. Not the band teacher.)
The teacher was amused.
He overlooks too much. That's why there's no discipline in this bandroom.
When the drummers can't find their music, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
Once they find their music and don't play it, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
See what I mean? No discipline.
A fact only made worse by the fact that he doesn't enforce the dress code.
There is no telling what this will lead to.
Soon band will no longer be a morally safe place to go to.
Mercy, band, mercy.
Maybe it was because it was below freezing outside.
But it was hot.
Mr. Band Teacher (we're good at protecting privacy on this blog) said that "Unless someone messed with my thermostat, it should be 69 degrees."
Yeah, only here's the problem. It's fall. The heat's on, not the air conditioning. Therefore, it can get to 200 degrees without anyone adjusting the thermostat.
It was hot.
It was even hotter six feet above the floor on the risers.
For those of you who didn't know this, we have drummers who are very...drummer-like.
For those of you not in band, that would be a hyperactive kid who just had a pop.
So, the drummers were hot. And, since they're drummers, they do a lot more physical flying around than we do, so they were hotter than the rest of us.
Luke said, "I will take my shirt off."
Mr. Band Teacher said, "All right."
And he took his shirt off. (Luke. Not the band teacher.)
The teacher was amused.
He overlooks too much. That's why there's no discipline in this bandroom.
When the drummers can't find their music, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
Once they find their music and don't play it, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
See what I mean? No discipline.
A fact only made worse by the fact that he doesn't enforce the dress code.
There is no telling what this will lead to.
Soon band will no longer be a morally safe place to go to.
Mercy, band, mercy.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
#24 The section leaders would get special treatment.
Heheh.
Recently in Social Studies I learned about a concept called "patronage."
It's when people get along with the President, and he lets them do important stuff.
Or something.
Well that's how it's going to work in my bandroom.
The teacher is King in the classroom, which means he can do anything he wants. This is why so many people hate their teachers.
They're dictators.
My dad always says that he's a "benevolent dictator," and that's what a teacher should be.
I'll be benevolent to you if you'll be benevolent to me.
So, if you fetch me a drink, direct for me while I drink it, organize the music vault, iron the uniforms, oversee the band members while they tune, and a whole host of other obsequious duties (did I use that correctly?), maybe, just maybe, you'll get to be a section leader.
And in my band, that would be the greatest thing ever.
Special Benefits
I'll buy you food at games.
I'll buy you food at the State Fair.
You get to attend the top-secret meetings of the section leaders.
(Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell about that.)
I'll give you rides. Unless you think I'm creepy. That one's optional.
You get to wear a cooler hat than the drum major. Unless you are the drum major. Then you get to wear two hats.
You get glow sticks on your uniform.
You get a bust of Beethoven.
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff, because of whom much is required, much is given. There's a whole lot of awesome in a section leader. Believe me. There are like two in our band, in spite of five or eight sections.
It's just me and you, Tristen. Just me and you.
Recently in Social Studies I learned about a concept called "patronage."
It's when people get along with the President, and he lets them do important stuff.
Or something.
Well that's how it's going to work in my bandroom.
The teacher is King in the classroom, which means he can do anything he wants. This is why so many people hate their teachers.
They're dictators.
My dad always says that he's a "benevolent dictator," and that's what a teacher should be.
I'll be benevolent to you if you'll be benevolent to me.
So, if you fetch me a drink, direct for me while I drink it, organize the music vault, iron the uniforms, oversee the band members while they tune, and a whole host of other obsequious duties (did I use that correctly?), maybe, just maybe, you'll get to be a section leader.
And in my band, that would be the greatest thing ever.
Special Benefits
I'll buy you food at games.
I'll buy you food at the State Fair.
You get to attend the top-secret meetings of the section leaders.
(Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell about that.)
I'll give you rides. Unless you think I'm creepy. That one's optional.
You get to wear a cooler hat than the drum major. Unless you are the drum major. Then you get to wear two hats.
You get glow sticks on your uniform.
You get a bust of Beethoven.
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff, because of whom much is required, much is given. There's a whole lot of awesome in a section leader. Believe me. There are like two in our band, in spite of five or eight sections.
It's just me and you, Tristen. Just me and you.
#23 There would be no inappropriate jokes.
Those of you in band know that there is no greater place for dirty jokes than the band room.
For those of you with clean minds, I'll spare you the details. (There was one yesterday that I didn't understand at all, much to my relief. I don't want to know.)
What SHOCKS and APPALLS me, however, is the fact that the teacher doesn't do anything about it. Now, the last band teacher, I can see him allowing that. I can even see him making the jokes.
But apparently, no matter how much dignity you've got, it doesn't mean you can maintain
discipline.
He could at least try.
Oh well.
In MY bandroom, we would go by what Paul said, when he gave one of those lists of those sins and then said to not let those things be even mentioned among you.
That's in the Bible.
Somewhere.
Better not tell anyone, though. I could get sued. You've got to be sneaky to be a Christian in the band.
For those of you with clean minds, I'll spare you the details. (There was one yesterday that I didn't understand at all, much to my relief. I don't want to know.)
What SHOCKS and APPALLS me, however, is the fact that the teacher doesn't do anything about it. Now, the last band teacher, I can see him allowing that. I can even see him making the jokes.
But apparently, no matter how much dignity you've got, it doesn't mean you can maintain
discipline.
He could at least try.
Oh well.
In MY bandroom, we would go by what Paul said, when he gave one of those lists of those sins and then said to not let those things be even mentioned among you.
That's in the Bible.
Somewhere.
Better not tell anyone, though. I could get sued. You've got to be sneaky to be a Christian in the band.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
#22 I would direct with streamers.
I know, I'll be doing a whole lot for just directing, but let's add streamers. That will reinforce the beat when they go POP! It might be slightly hard to synchronize the popping with the cowbelling, though. But hey, at least you can snap people with streamers. Not hard though. That'll get you fired.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
#21 The students would have good posture.
Recently, one of our trumpeteers (that sounds much better than trumpeter, doesn't it?) went to the chiropracter. Apparently, he was in pretty bad shape.
It was because he has bad posture, of course.
I also have pain in my core, but that's because I don't have enough muscle mass to keep my bones in place. That's ok, though. I don't know why.
Whatever, today we tuned and that always takes forever because Tristen is the only one who's ever in tune on the first try because he has more talent than the rest of us put together or why do you think he gets 1's at contest?
Most of us were flat.
Rabbit trail! How do you know whether to pull a slide out of push a slide in to get in tune? Which makes it sharper and which makes it flatter?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
(At this point, most people will say "ow," like you actually just stabbed them with a knife.)
"It's SHARP, pull it OUT!"
Oh, the genius of Mrs. Grover.
But, I digress.
Most of us were flat.
Why were we flat?
Because we had bad posture.
NOT SO in Mr. Neumann's class!
Nobody will slouch, nobody will lean on the back of their chairs (what if we used stools?), and nobody, NOBODY WILL EVER CROSS THEIR LEGS!
That way, they'll all be in tune.
What if they aren't?
We'll just go with Dillon's solution: stab them with knives.
After all, he did tell us that his back was hurting from "all this good posture."
It was because he has bad posture, of course.
I also have pain in my core, but that's because I don't have enough muscle mass to keep my bones in place. That's ok, though. I don't know why.
Whatever, today we tuned and that always takes forever because Tristen is the only one who's ever in tune on the first try because he has more talent than the rest of us put together or why do you think he gets 1's at contest?
Most of us were flat.
Rabbit trail! How do you know whether to pull a slide out of push a slide in to get in tune? Which makes it sharper and which makes it flatter?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
(At this point, most people will say "ow," like you actually just stabbed them with a knife.)
"It's SHARP, pull it OUT!"
Oh, the genius of Mrs. Grover.
But, I digress.
Most of us were flat.
Why were we flat?
Because we had bad posture.
NOT SO in Mr. Neumann's class!
Nobody will slouch, nobody will lean on the back of their chairs (what if we used stools?), and nobody, NOBODY WILL EVER CROSS THEIR LEGS!
That way, they'll all be in tune.
What if they aren't?
We'll just go with Dillon's solution: stab them with knives.
After all, he did tell us that his back was hurting from "all this good posture."
Thursday, October 7, 2010
# 20 The True Test of Bandish...ness...
Are you a hardcore, die-hard, never say never band member? Or are you the band equivalent of a sweaty Philistine? (Secret Christian, secret Christian.) Let's just take us a little test, why don't we? Let's see how much you know. It's time for the:
Evaluation Of Band Member Sweetness Test
1. True or False: It is indeed possible to burp while playing a note. (Drummers may skip this question.)
2. True or False: It's possible to break a bullet-proof drumhead.
3. True or False: There is indeed such a thing as trap set music.
4. True or False: Eight march steps take four yards.
5. True or False: At solo and ensemble contest, you have to go in the exact order of contestents as the schedule says.
6. True or False: At the State Fair, they count you down if you put black tape on your shoes instead of just wearing black shoes.
7. True or False: At junior high large group contest, you perform in a gymnasium.
8. True or False: When standing at attention, your feet are shoulder-width apart.
9. True or False: It is indeed possible to march with a French Horn.
10. True or False: If you eat garlic before a performance, your instrument will sound like a peacock.
Answers: 1. True. I've done it many times.
2. True. Our drummers did it. They also broke a woodblock and a cowbell.
3. False. A drummer always improvises on the trap set.
4. False. Eight march steps take five yards, or 22 and 1/2 inches per step.
5. False. If someone shows up early, they take them.
6. False. We do it all the time.
7. True. The acoustics are wonderful.
8. False. You stand with heels together.
9. All right, so technically this one's true, but they never do. If you play the French horn, you march with a fleugel horn.
10. True. You have to word really at it, though.
How did you score?
10: You have played in the band since fifth grade, or possibly fourth grade. You know all kinds of things like how "one more time" means half an hour of "one more times" and how if you get valve oil on your hands, you're never getting it off.
6-9: You're ok. You know the Concert B Flat Scale pretty well. Maybe you play first part, but you don't get any solos.
3-5: You play the harmony at second or third, and you like it. You don't have to work very hard, and nobody notices when you're supposed to be playing but you're not.
0-2: We could use a couple people like you. Unfortunately, 98% of the band is you. Why are you here? You should know, there are no easy A's in my band class.
Evaluation Of Band Member Sweetness Test
1. True or False: It is indeed possible to burp while playing a note. (Drummers may skip this question.)
2. True or False: It's possible to break a bullet-proof drumhead.
3. True or False: There is indeed such a thing as trap set music.
4. True or False: Eight march steps take four yards.
5. True or False: At solo and ensemble contest, you have to go in the exact order of contestents as the schedule says.
6. True or False: At the State Fair, they count you down if you put black tape on your shoes instead of just wearing black shoes.
7. True or False: At junior high large group contest, you perform in a gymnasium.
8. True or False: When standing at attention, your feet are shoulder-width apart.
9. True or False: It is indeed possible to march with a French Horn.
10. True or False: If you eat garlic before a performance, your instrument will sound like a peacock.
Answers: 1. True. I've done it many times.
2. True. Our drummers did it. They also broke a woodblock and a cowbell.
3. False. A drummer always improvises on the trap set.
4. False. Eight march steps take five yards, or 22 and 1/2 inches per step.
5. False. If someone shows up early, they take them.
6. False. We do it all the time.
7. True. The acoustics are wonderful.
8. False. You stand with heels together.
9. All right, so technically this one's true, but they never do. If you play the French horn, you march with a fleugel horn.
10. True. You have to word really at it, though.
How did you score?
10: You have played in the band since fifth grade, or possibly fourth grade. You know all kinds of things like how "one more time" means half an hour of "one more times" and how if you get valve oil on your hands, you're never getting it off.
6-9: You're ok. You know the Concert B Flat Scale pretty well. Maybe you play first part, but you don't get any solos.
3-5: You play the harmony at second or third, and you like it. You don't have to work very hard, and nobody notices when you're supposed to be playing but you're not.
0-2: We could use a couple people like you. Unfortunately, 98% of the band is you. Why are you here? You should know, there are no easy A's in my band class.
#19 Disco directing!
(We're playing "Stayin' Alive" in band. Disco is "in".)
I'll already be directing with a cowbell.I'll already be directing with an English accent.
Could I add disco dancing into the mix?
Probably. It will be like The Beatles plus War plus the Bee Gees. I admit, it'll be hard to point up in both directions while holding a cowbell in one hand and holding a drumstick (cowbellstick?) in the other. I'll figure it out though. After all, what's college for?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
#18 I'll tell the choir members about this when they whine.
All you male choir members, be thankful. You live in a wonderful age. Not like they used to.
Friday, October 1, 2010
#17 Practice.
All bad jokes aside for this post. You're never going to get good at anything if you don't practice. Every day. With the possible exception of Sunday. Don't go breaking the Sabbath now.
There is only one way to do it.
Practice.
"If you knew how much work went into it, you wouldn't call it genius." --Michelangelo
There is only one way to do it.
Practice.
"If you knew how much work went into it, you wouldn't call it genius." --Michelangelo
Thursday, September 30, 2010
#16 There would be a whole new discipline system.
On this last day of September, I would like to share with you the way things would go down in my class when people GET OUT OF LINE!
Goodness.
You see, the detention system will only work on people who care, and people who care never get detentions. Only the people who don't care. And the only way to get people who don't care to care is to MAKE them care!!!
So, I have invented a system. Actually, I'm going to make up a system as I go along, but you've got to start somewhere.
1st offense: You will get a warning.
This is the classic starting place.Since people never take me seriously, there might be some cracking up at this stage. Teachers get no respect anymore. However, that would be so totally unjustified in my case that I will often move on to stage two:
2nd offense: I confiscate part of your instrument.
You were hoping I would confiscate the whole instrument, weren't you? Oh, you would love that. Getting to just sit there, all hour, doing no work, that's a rare opportunity.
No way! Ah ha-ha ha-haaa haaa!
I'm only going to confiscate PART of your instrument. If you're brass, I'll take one of your valves. (Ooh, the trumpets would hate that, but you've got to show them who's boss.) Unless you're a trombone. Then I'll just tie your spit valve open. That makes an instrument sound really weird.
Don't you saxaphones get all excited, either. You may be thinking I can only confiscate your mouthpiece, in which case you can't play your instrument. No, you're a special case. (Most saxaphonists are "special cases.") You have to play with your mouthpiece upside down. Have fun with that.
Aaaand, if you get caught faking your instrument, we move on:
3rd offense: You go sit in "The Corner."
Originally, I was going to call this the "Stupid Corner," but then I'd get fired and sued for verbal abuse. So, we're stuck with "The Corner." However, The Corner will be a stupid place to sit, whatever the name is. First of all, it's REALLY cold. (It's right next to a vent.) Then, it's in the drum section. (Low blow, low blow.) AND, you have to copy a symphony by hand. Then you get sued for copyright infringement.
4th offense: You have to show up early for class and then when everyone comes in and every leaves you have to say, "Unclean! Unclean!"
Most of you probably don't get this reference. (Hint: it may or may not be part of being a secret Christian in the band.) For those poor unfortunate people who didn't take their health classes in Sunday School, it pretty much means you've got leprosy. You're going to die, and nobody can touch you. You're unclean. It's all a pretty sad deal. Especially when I mock your pain by sitting at the piano singing about leprosy to the tune of "Yesterday."
Goodness.
You see, the detention system will only work on people who care, and people who care never get detentions. Only the people who don't care. And the only way to get people who don't care to care is to MAKE them care!!!
So, I have invented a system. Actually, I'm going to make up a system as I go along, but you've got to start somewhere.
1st offense: You will get a warning.
This is the classic starting place.Since people never take me seriously, there might be some cracking up at this stage. Teachers get no respect anymore. However, that would be so totally unjustified in my case that I will often move on to stage two:
2nd offense: I confiscate part of your instrument.
You were hoping I would confiscate the whole instrument, weren't you? Oh, you would love that. Getting to just sit there, all hour, doing no work, that's a rare opportunity.
No way! Ah ha-ha ha-haaa haaa!
I'm only going to confiscate PART of your instrument. If you're brass, I'll take one of your valves. (Ooh, the trumpets would hate that, but you've got to show them who's boss.) Unless you're a trombone. Then I'll just tie your spit valve open. That makes an instrument sound really weird.
Don't you saxaphones get all excited, either. You may be thinking I can only confiscate your mouthpiece, in which case you can't play your instrument. No, you're a special case. (Most saxaphonists are "special cases.") You have to play with your mouthpiece upside down. Have fun with that.
Aaaand, if you get caught faking your instrument, we move on:
3rd offense: You go sit in "The Corner."
Originally, I was going to call this the "Stupid Corner," but then I'd get fired and sued for verbal abuse. So, we're stuck with "The Corner." However, The Corner will be a stupid place to sit, whatever the name is. First of all, it's REALLY cold. (It's right next to a vent.) Then, it's in the drum section. (Low blow, low blow.) AND, you have to copy a symphony by hand. Then you get sued for copyright infringement.
4th offense: You have to show up early for class and then when everyone comes in and every leaves you have to say, "Unclean! Unclean!"
Most of you probably don't get this reference. (Hint: it may or may not be part of being a secret Christian in the band.) For those poor unfortunate people who didn't take their health classes in Sunday School, it pretty much means you've got leprosy. You're going to die, and nobody can touch you. You're unclean. It's all a pretty sad deal. Especially when I mock your pain by sitting at the piano singing about leprosy to the tune of "Yesterday."
Saturday, September 25, 2010
#15 Scotland.
(We went to the Scottish Festival yesterday. Scotland is now 'in.')
You may be thinking, "Scotland? What about Scotland? Is he going to move to Scotland, direct with a Scottish accent (nope, British accent), or is he just going regimental on us?" (That last part's a little weird.)
To avoid confusion, I've made this handy list of all the wonderful Scottish things that will be going on in the classroom:
1. Add kilts to the band uniforms.
Have you ever tried to put on a band uniform? Putting on a kilt would be so much easier. (We might have to add dressing rooms to the band room, though.) Won't that clash with the beautiful bumblebee black and yellow of the Stryper uniforms, though? No ma'am. (For those of you in the far future looking back over old posts, my only follower at this point is my mom. Hence the "No ma'am" instead of "No sir.") Never fear, the clan McLeod (say it, "McCloud") has black and yellow tartan. What about the capes? Might as well make those McLeod colors too.
2. Listen to really loud bagpipe music in the office when all the students come in.
Some mornings when my sister and I come into the band room, our teacher is listening to some dramatic music like an opera or Star Wars. Needless to say, while he's sitting in his office, unaware, Sarah and I dance dramatically around the room, spinning and leaping and every other kind of thing we can do in near-silence. (We always sneak in.)
Well, my students are going to come in to the sounds of bagpipes. Really really loud bagpipes, and they won't be playing "Scotland the Brave" or "Amazing Grace," either. They'll be playing pep band (maybe even Stryper), which leads us into the next item on the list:
3. Someone will play the bagpipes.
I wonder if it's possible to play the bagpipes and direct with a cowbell at the same time? Maybe I'll just stick the bagpipe section next to the slide whistle section.
4. The drummers will twirl their mallets.
You didn't know that was Scottish, did you? Yeah, it is. Those guys who play the toms are always twirling their mallets around in the air, like they're saying, "Look at me! I'm a hyper Scottish drummer! Give me a Red Bull!"
You should just see the bass drummers too.
Wait, what if:
5. There will be plaid drums.
Energy drinks+McLeod/Stryper uniforms+McLeod/Stryper drumheads+drummers twirling their mallets=Who cares what it equals? I just want to see it.
You may be thinking, "Scotland? What about Scotland? Is he going to move to Scotland, direct with a Scottish accent (nope, British accent), or is he just going regimental on us?" (That last part's a little weird.)
To avoid confusion, I've made this handy list of all the wonderful Scottish things that will be going on in the classroom:
1. Add kilts to the band uniforms.
Have you ever tried to put on a band uniform? Putting on a kilt would be so much easier. (We might have to add dressing rooms to the band room, though.) Won't that clash with the beautiful bumblebee black and yellow of the Stryper uniforms, though? No ma'am. (For those of you in the far future looking back over old posts, my only follower at this point is my mom. Hence the "No ma'am" instead of "No sir.") Never fear, the clan McLeod (say it, "McCloud") has black and yellow tartan. What about the capes? Might as well make those McLeod colors too.
2. Listen to really loud bagpipe music in the office when all the students come in.
Some mornings when my sister and I come into the band room, our teacher is listening to some dramatic music like an opera or Star Wars. Needless to say, while he's sitting in his office, unaware, Sarah and I dance dramatically around the room, spinning and leaping and every other kind of thing we can do in near-silence. (We always sneak in.)
Well, my students are going to come in to the sounds of bagpipes. Really really loud bagpipes, and they won't be playing "Scotland the Brave" or "Amazing Grace," either. They'll be playing pep band (maybe even Stryper), which leads us into the next item on the list:
3. Someone will play the bagpipes.
I wonder if it's possible to play the bagpipes and direct with a cowbell at the same time? Maybe I'll just stick the bagpipe section next to the slide whistle section.
4. The drummers will twirl their mallets.
You didn't know that was Scottish, did you? Yeah, it is. Those guys who play the toms are always twirling their mallets around in the air, like they're saying, "Look at me! I'm a hyper Scottish drummer! Give me a Red Bull!"
You should just see the bass drummers too.
Wait, what if:
5. There will be plaid drums.
Energy drinks+McLeod/Stryper uniforms+McLeod/Stryper drumheads+drummers twirling their mallets=Who cares what it equals? I just want to see it.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
#14 How to tell if band members are secret Christians
It can be hard to be a Christian in the band, especially since it's in a public school. Some have decided to be a "secret Christian," which isn't very holy of them, but they're still a witness because they know all the loopholes in the system, and leave little hints and clues all over the place.
Are you an expert at this? How secret and yet Christian can you be?
The Official Guide To Being Secret Christians In The Band
1.You perk up when Stryper music is handed out: +1
2. You don't know any of the words to the secular pep band music: +1
3. You love Italian composers because of that verse in Acts that says Cornelius was in the Italian Band: +5
4. You prefer playing in 3/4 because three is holier than four: +3
5. You say things like "Adonai is my qodesh": +10
6. You really love the songs from "Fiddler on the Roof":+2
7. You're always requesting things like Haydn's "Creation" and Handel's "Messiah": +5
8. You know all the words to them:+8
9. Your instrument case has Psalm 1119 inscribed into it:+9
10. It's in Hebrew: +15
11. You play the ram's horn: +10
12. You spontaneously yell, "It's the Rapture!" when you hear the trumpets: +10
69: You're the holiest of the holy. You probably play your instrument with a Greek accent.
50-68: Pretty good, but you probably need to memorize more scripture from the life of Elijah. That guy was like the James Bond of prophets.
30-50: Eh, you're ok, but some people are catching on. You need to stop yelling "Hallelujah!" all the time.
15-30: Not good. Your Christian shirt that says, "Hello, I am a Christian," doesn't leave much doubt about who you are.
0-15: Well! Evangelizing, are you?
(I got this idea from the post "Rooting for the secret Christians on American Idol" on Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like, which you really should be reading instead of this blog.)
Are you an expert at this? How secret and yet Christian can you be?
The Official Guide To Being Secret Christians In The Band
1.You perk up when Stryper music is handed out: +1
2. You don't know any of the words to the secular pep band music: +1
3. You love Italian composers because of that verse in Acts that says Cornelius was in the Italian Band: +5
4. You prefer playing in 3/4 because three is holier than four: +3
5. You say things like "Adonai is my qodesh": +10
6. You really love the songs from "Fiddler on the Roof":+2
7. You're always requesting things like Haydn's "Creation" and Handel's "Messiah": +5
8. You know all the words to them:+8
9. Your instrument case has Psalm 1119 inscribed into it:+9
10. It's in Hebrew: +15
11. You play the ram's horn: +10
12. You spontaneously yell, "It's the Rapture!" when you hear the trumpets: +10
69: You're the holiest of the holy. You probably play your instrument with a Greek accent.
50-68: Pretty good, but you probably need to memorize more scripture from the life of Elijah. That guy was like the James Bond of prophets.
30-50: Eh, you're ok, but some people are catching on. You need to stop yelling "Hallelujah!" all the time.
15-30: Not good. Your Christian shirt that says, "Hello, I am a Christian," doesn't leave much doubt about who you are.
0-15: Well! Evangelizing, are you?
(I got this idea from the post "Rooting for the secret Christians on American Idol" on Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like, which you really should be reading instead of this blog.)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
#13 We would do rock versions of classical music.
That's right, we're going to throw a little Maksim Mrvica in the mix. Where the bipolarity of Beethoven and the black and yellow of Stryper meet, that's us. (Whoa. Stryper somehow got into my pep band and concert music, and I don't even listen to them.) Wait a minute, what if we put the choir in there?
Stryper+Beethoven+choir singing "Our God is an Awesome God" in the background=perhaps the most intense moment in band history. Besides, with all those fermatas in Beethoven's Fifth, there's no way the cheerleaders will be able to dance to it.
Stryper+Beethoven+choir singing "Our God is an Awesome God" in the background=perhaps the most intense moment in band history. Besides, with all those fermatas in Beethoven's Fifth, there's no way the cheerleaders will be able to dance to it.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
#12 The Official Guide to pep band dynamics
Everyone knows that in pep band, p doesn't really mean quiet. It's all relative, isn't it? Yes, yes it is, but how do you know when to play loud and when to play deafeningly loud? Hmm...if only there were an:
Official Guide To Pep Band Dynamics
If it says pp, that means "play slightly quieter than the drummers." (This is very rare.)
If it says p, that means "play at an equal level of sound as the drummers." (Also pretty rare.)
If it says mf, that means "play slightly louder than the drummers."
If it says f, that means "play loud enough so that the audience can make out the melody over the drummers."
If it says ff, that means "drown out the drummers, good luck."
Official Guide To Pep Band Dynamics
If it says pp, that means "play slightly quieter than the drummers." (This is very rare.)
If it says p, that means "play at an equal level of sound as the drummers." (Also pretty rare.)
If it says mf, that means "play slightly louder than the drummers."
If it says f, that means "play loud enough so that the audience can make out the melody over the drummers."
If it says ff, that means "drown out the drummers, good luck."
Monday, September 20, 2010
#11 We would play a game called "Play way too fast for the cheerleaders."
If there's one thing that irks band members (beside all those other things that irk band members), it's the cheerleaders.
They're always stealing our halftime shows.
And, we have to slow down so they can dance.
Well, we're going to play a game called "Play way too fast for the cheerleaders."
We'll show people who's boss. If you want slow music, get a recording, but then you'd be stealing our halftime shows again, wouldn't you?
Fine.
But we're going to play SO fast, I won't be able to keep up the directing with my cowbell. Besides, we'll be playing Stryper, and you can't exercise to Christian music.
They're always stealing our halftime shows.
And, we have to slow down so they can dance.
Well, we're going to play a game called "Play way too fast for the cheerleaders."
We'll show people who's boss. If you want slow music, get a recording, but then you'd be stealing our halftime shows again, wouldn't you?
Fine.
But we're going to play SO fast, I won't be able to keep up the directing with my cowbell. Besides, we'll be playing Stryper, and you can't exercise to Christian music.
#10 During study halls, I would lock myself in my office and air guitar like crazy to Audio Adrenaline.
Audio Adrenaline is probably second only to Stryper in the more intense rocking Christian bands, and they're one of my favorites. Maybe my students would think I was really weird for dancing around my office headbanging to "Some Kind of Zombie," but that's ok, it's a good way to identify which students are Christians, which should get its own post. Maybe the blue-haired skinny jean-wearing punks will join me, in which case we'll take it outside the office. Who doesn't love mosh pits in class?
#9 We would play Stryper for pep band.
Fine, I don't actually listen to Stryper, but where else do Christianity and pep band meet but Stryper? Wouldn't that make us an extra-holy band? Would we get 1's at the State Fair as a sign of God's blessing because of it?
Probably not, but hey, at least we'll have an excuse for our outrageous black-and-yellow-striped uniforms. Who wouldn't love that?
Probably not, but hey, at least we'll have an excuse for our outrageous black-and-yellow-striped uniforms. Who wouldn't love that?
#8 I would find something better then the Concert B Flat Scale.
Every day, our band teacher tells us to warm up with the Concert B Flat Scale. Not that there's anything wrong with that, that's a great scale and it's the easiest for us B Flat instruments because there are no sharps or flats. (I don't know about those E Flat instruments. They can't transpose anyway.) It gets old, though. It's like eating the same thing every day. Like Brice said once, "Why can't we play the Concert B Sharp Scale?" To which the teacher responded, "There is no Concert B Sharp Scale," to which Brice responded, "We should invent one."
So, I have decided to make:
The Official If I Were A Band Teacher List Of Ways To Make The Concert B Flat Scale Better
Wow. That took a lot of breath. Good thing I play a wind instrument.
1. Count with a British accent
Everyone knows that British accents make everything better, and if you talk with one for the duration of the Concert B Flat Scale, you automatically become 16% cooler. If you do a perfect Winston Churchill impression, it goes up another 19%.
2. Throw stuff at the people who are faking their instruments
Granted, that one's a little violent, unless I threw stuff like pillows or cotton candy or hand sanitizer that's not in the bottle. Band isn't very sanitary, anyway.
3. Secretly have the clarinets play three octaves instead of two to throw everyone off
Everyone would hate that. Nobody likes the insane number of clarinets there are, anyway, and secretly allying myself with the clarinets would fit right in with my being a huge fan of drummers. Besides, half the instruments don't have that range. The french horns would just drop their instruments in their laps and glare at the clarinets who obviously are making a mistake, and the saxaphones would just go to sleep. The drummers wouldn't be able to hear what was going on. The whole time, I'd just stand there, directing with my cowbell.
4. Switch out the trumpet's valves the night before
THAT would not be intelligent. Being a trumpet myself (well, technically, I only play the trumpet; I'm a person), I know how they would react. Sabotage would not go over well, and they would only blame the drummers and start a big war, only made worse by those stupid clarinets, playing three octaves instead of two. I wonder why they did that.
5. Get one of the students to put up their hood and sneak around putting counterfeit money on people's stands
By far the strangest thing I've said all day, but just think how distracted the band would be when fifty dollar bills magically started appearing in front of their eyes? Band is looking better already, isn't it? Until they try to spend it and get arrested. That wouldn't be good.
So, I have decided to make:
The Official If I Were A Band Teacher List Of Ways To Make The Concert B Flat Scale Better
Wow. That took a lot of breath. Good thing I play a wind instrument.
1. Count with a British accent
Everyone knows that British accents make everything better, and if you talk with one for the duration of the Concert B Flat Scale, you automatically become 16% cooler. If you do a perfect Winston Churchill impression, it goes up another 19%.
2. Throw stuff at the people who are faking their instruments
Granted, that one's a little violent, unless I threw stuff like pillows or cotton candy or hand sanitizer that's not in the bottle. Band isn't very sanitary, anyway.
3. Secretly have the clarinets play three octaves instead of two to throw everyone off
Everyone would hate that. Nobody likes the insane number of clarinets there are, anyway, and secretly allying myself with the clarinets would fit right in with my being a huge fan of drummers. Besides, half the instruments don't have that range. The french horns would just drop their instruments in their laps and glare at the clarinets who obviously are making a mistake, and the saxaphones would just go to sleep. The drummers wouldn't be able to hear what was going on. The whole time, I'd just stand there, directing with my cowbell.
4. Switch out the trumpet's valves the night before
THAT would not be intelligent. Being a trumpet myself (well, technically, I only play the trumpet; I'm a person), I know how they would react. Sabotage would not go over well, and they would only blame the drummers and start a big war, only made worse by those stupid clarinets, playing three octaves instead of two. I wonder why they did that.
5. Get one of the students to put up their hood and sneak around putting counterfeit money on people's stands
By far the strangest thing I've said all day, but just think how distracted the band would be when fifty dollar bills magically started appearing in front of their eyes? Band is looking better already, isn't it? Until they try to spend it and get arrested. That wouldn't be good.
#7 There would be a slide whistle section.
Who doesn't love slide whistles?!
Unfortunately, the slide whistle in our band "disappeared" this year. What probably actually happened was that the drummers messed with it too much, and the teacher took it away.
Very tragic.
Well, that's what happens when your drummers break stuff like bullet-proof drumheads and a woodblock. (How can a woodblock be broken? And yet our drummers did it.)
They probably had too many energy drinks.
In my band, there will be a whole section of those wonderful miniature trombones. They won't even have music, they'll just play what makes sense.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what if everyone in the band got a slide whistle as backup, in case their instrument was getting worked on, or if they just got tired of playing it for the moment? All of a sudden, Louie Louie is 28% more awesome when that trumpet solo becomes a slide whistle solo.
The Kingsmen never saw that coming.
Unfortunately, the slide whistle in our band "disappeared" this year. What probably actually happened was that the drummers messed with it too much, and the teacher took it away.
Very tragic.
Well, that's what happens when your drummers break stuff like bullet-proof drumheads and a woodblock. (How can a woodblock be broken? And yet our drummers did it.)
They probably had too many energy drinks.
In my band, there will be a whole section of those wonderful miniature trombones. They won't even have music, they'll just play what makes sense.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what if everyone in the band got a slide whistle as backup, in case their instrument was getting worked on, or if they just got tired of playing it for the moment? All of a sudden, Louie Louie is 28% more awesome when that trumpet solo becomes a slide whistle solo.
The Kingsmen never saw that coming.
#6 I would play the Mario theme song instead of the fight song.
All right, I probably wouldn't do this very often at this school, because we have one of the greatest fight songs ever, even though it's called "Stein Song" and was originally a drinking song. We never play it fast enough, though, because every year the teacher gets the same complaint the band is playing too fast for the cheerleaders.
That, I do not care about. When the cheerleaders become more important than the band, you've got problems. We should complain that every year the cheerleaders are dancing too slow for the band. (There's another post in there, trying to find its way out.)
However, if I were the teacher at another school with a slightly less awesome fight song, we would play the Mario theme song once in a while, just to see what the superintendent would do. I know the band would love it. The crowd, probably would not be so happy. After all, I would probably get an anonymous letter that said, "Your playing of such music encourages video games, which are filling our youth's minds with trash and leaves them sitting around all day."
Well.
Send to the band. I'll see what I can do with them.
That, I do not care about. When the cheerleaders become more important than the band, you've got problems. We should complain that every year the cheerleaders are dancing too slow for the band. (There's another post in there, trying to find its way out.)
However, if I were the teacher at another school with a slightly less awesome fight song, we would play the Mario theme song once in a while, just to see what the superintendent would do. I know the band would love it. The crowd, probably would not be so happy. After all, I would probably get an anonymous letter that said, "Your playing of such music encourages video games, which are filling our youth's minds with trash and leaves them sitting around all day."
Well.
Send to the band. I'll see what I can do with them.
#5 We'll all wear our Renaissance costumes to contest.
Yes, I also have a strange fascination with Renaissance clothing. Maybe I should just rename the blog "Strange Fascinations" and be done with it.
Everyone loves Renaissance clothes, though, even though we can't for the life of us spell it. We won't have to. Musicians don't have to spell.
Maybe I could grow a Leonardo da Vinci beard, too. Oh wait, what if we play Renaissance MUSIC to go with it? (Have you ever heard Renaissance music? Go look it up. Now.) Would we get extra points? Were powdered wigs in that early?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What if we threw out the regular uniforms (but kept the capes) and just wore Renaissance for EVERY performance?
Wouldn't that be great?
Everyone loves Renaissance clothes, though, even though we can't for the life of us spell it. We won't have to. Musicians don't have to spell.
Maybe I could grow a Leonardo da Vinci beard, too. Oh wait, what if we play Renaissance MUSIC to go with it? (Have you ever heard Renaissance music? Go look it up. Now.) Would we get extra points? Were powdered wigs in that early?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What if we threw out the regular uniforms (but kept the capes) and just wore Renaissance for EVERY performance?
Wouldn't that be great?
#4 I would give the drummers energy drinks.
Why does everybody hate the drummers? Am I just a really weird drum-supporting extremist? After all, we couldn't get by without the drummers. We don't even need a director, just drummers. (Kind of defeats the purpose of the blog, doesn't it?)
Ok, yes, they do play way fast when they want to, and way slow when they want to, or sometimes not at all. I would take over the trapset about that time, though, so it's ok.
The fact is, though, people just don't get the idea of PEP band.
They get the band part, but not the PEP part. Hey Jude isn't really a pep band song.
What makes the pep band peppy?
Drummers.
What makes the drummers peppier?
Energy drinks.
One time, Brice, who is not surprisingly a drummer, bought two energy drinks at a football game. Unfortunately, it was after we were done with the performance, or maybe he'd have gotten some of that energy out of him. He opened both of them, held one in each hand, and took a drink out of one and then the other.
"I lived last night," he said. "I lived."
That's what drummers do. They live.
Ok, yes, they do play way fast when they want to, and way slow when they want to, or sometimes not at all. I would take over the trapset about that time, though, so it's ok.
The fact is, though, people just don't get the idea of PEP band.
They get the band part, but not the PEP part. Hey Jude isn't really a pep band song.
What makes the pep band peppy?
Drummers.
What makes the drummers peppier?
Energy drinks.
One time, Brice, who is not surprisingly a drummer, bought two energy drinks at a football game. Unfortunately, it was after we were done with the performance, or maybe he'd have gotten some of that energy out of him. He opened both of them, held one in each hand, and took a drink out of one and then the other.
"I lived last night," he said. "I lived."
That's what drummers do. They live.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
#3 I would direct with a cowbell.
If you didn't want to join my band before, you DEFINATELY want to join it now. Songs with that barely-distinguishable cowbell in the background are awesome enough, and Low Rider blows everybody away, but what if the teacher directed with that bell of awesomeness?
Not only would people not have to look at me to keep the beat, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony would become 28% more intense and...cowbelly, which is totally not what it sounds like.
Whoa whoa whoa, what if instead of a gong, we just had a REALLY BIG cowbell? Granted, it wouldn't have the resonance that a gong has, unless it went all the way up to the ceiling, but hey, that would just mean you have to hit it more often, which everybody would love.
Ok, I know what you're thinking. What's so great about a cowbell?
I guess you won't find out until I get to direct with one.
Not only would people not have to look at me to keep the beat, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony would become 28% more intense and...cowbelly, which is totally not what it sounds like.
Whoa whoa whoa, what if instead of a gong, we just had a REALLY BIG cowbell? Granted, it wouldn't have the resonance that a gong has, unless it went all the way up to the ceiling, but hey, that would just mean you have to hit it more often, which everybody would love.
Ok, I know what you're thinking. What's so great about a cowbell?
I guess you won't find out until I get to direct with one.
#2 I would play the trap set in class.
Ok, I don't actually play the trap set. I didn't even want to try it out in 5th grade.
However, if they didn't need me on first trumpet, I would know that I should have been a percussionist. (Isn't that WAY more impressive than "drummer"?) I think I would be good on the trap set, once I got the hang of it. After all, a leader shouldn't make his followers do anything that he wouldn't do himself.
Believe me, it will be kind of freaky, but kind of awesome, when I started my Animal impression. My students would never think of me the same again once their mild-mannered band teacher sits down on that little stool and is suddenly transformed into a drum-beating, headbanging, cape-flying drummer of awesomeness.
Besides, the drums are the only instrument in the band room that more than one person plays, anyway. I might get fired for playing someone else's clarinet. That would be weird.
However, if they didn't need me on first trumpet, I would know that I should have been a percussionist. (Isn't that WAY more impressive than "drummer"?) I think I would be good on the trap set, once I got the hang of it. After all, a leader shouldn't make his followers do anything that he wouldn't do himself.
Believe me, it will be kind of freaky, but kind of awesome, when I started my Animal impression. My students would never think of me the same again once their mild-mannered band teacher sits down on that little stool and is suddenly transformed into a drum-beating, headbanging, cape-flying drummer of awesomeness.
Besides, the drums are the only instrument in the band room that more than one person plays, anyway. I might get fired for playing someone else's clarinet. That would be weird.
#1 We would wear capes. Every day.
Ok, yes, I have a strange fascination with capes. (Almost as strange as my fascination with beards, but you can't make beards part of a band uniform, now can you?)
Studies show that approximately 87% of people think that band uniforms would be made awesomer by wearing a cape. Studies also show that 0% of those people are named "my band teacher." And, studies also show that 100% percent of people named "the school at which I go to band" are too cheap to buy uniforms, or perhaps bought lame uniforms recently and don't feel like trying again any time soon.
As if my band didn't make me feel like Charlie Brown anyway. I mean, who would choose those awesome tall fuzzy hats over the lame cowboy hats? That's what the people in this town do, and yet we all agree that these uniforms are ugly.
That's why, in MY band, we're going to wear capes.
Every day.
Maybe they'll even be personalized.
Studies show that approximately 87% of people think that band uniforms would be made awesomer by wearing a cape. Studies also show that 0% of those people are named "my band teacher." And, studies also show that 100% percent of people named "the school at which I go to band" are too cheap to buy uniforms, or perhaps bought lame uniforms recently and don't feel like trying again any time soon.
As if my band didn't make me feel like Charlie Brown anyway. I mean, who would choose those awesome tall fuzzy hats over the lame cowboy hats? That's what the people in this town do, and yet we all agree that these uniforms are ugly.
That's why, in MY band, we're going to wear capes.
Every day.
Maybe they'll even be personalized.
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