#16 There would be a whole new discipline system.

On this last day of September, I would like to share with you the way things would go down in my class when people GET OUT OF LINE!
Goodness.
You see, the detention system will only work on people who care, and people who care never get detentions. Only the people who don't care. And the only way to get people who don't care to care is to MAKE them care!!!
So, I have invented a system. Actually, I'm going to make up a system as I go along, but you've got to start somewhere.

1st offense: You will get a warning.
This is the classic starting place.Since people never take me seriously, there might be some cracking up at this stage. Teachers get no respect anymore. However, that would be so totally unjustified in my case that I will often move on to stage two:

2nd offense: I confiscate part of your instrument.
You were hoping I would confiscate the whole instrument, weren't you? Oh, you would love that. Getting to just sit there, all hour, doing no work, that's a rare opportunity.
No way! Ah ha-ha ha-haaa haaa!
I'm only going to confiscate PART of your instrument. If you're brass, I'll take one of your valves. (Ooh, the trumpets would hate that, but you've got to show them who's boss.) Unless you're a trombone. Then I'll just tie your spit valve open. That makes an instrument sound really weird.
Don't you saxaphones get all excited, either. You may be thinking I can only confiscate your mouthpiece, in which case you can't play your instrument. No, you're a special case. (Most saxaphonists are "special cases.") You have to play with your mouthpiece upside down. Have fun with that.
Aaaand, if you get caught faking your instrument, we move on:

3rd offense: You go sit in "The Corner."
Originally, I was going to call this the "Stupid Corner," but then I'd get fired and sued for verbal abuse. So, we're stuck with "The Corner." However, The Corner will be a stupid place to sit, whatever the name is. First of all, it's REALLY cold. (It's right next to a vent.) Then, it's in the drum section. (Low blow, low blow.) AND, you have to copy a symphony by hand. Then you get sued for copyright infringement.

4th offense: You have to show up early for class and then when everyone comes in and every leaves you have to say, "Unclean! Unclean!"
Most of you probably don't get this reference. (Hint: it may or may not be part of being a secret Christian in the band.) For those poor unfortunate people who didn't take their health classes in Sunday School, it pretty much means you've got leprosy. You're going to die, and nobody can touch you. You're unclean. It's all a pretty sad deal. Especially when I mock your pain by sitting at the piano singing about leprosy to the tune of "Yesterday."

#15 Scotland.

(We went to the Scottish Festival yesterday. Scotland is now 'in.')
You may be thinking, "Scotland? What about Scotland? Is he going to move to Scotland, direct with a Scottish accent (nope, British accent), or is he just going regimental on us?" (That last part's a little weird.)
To avoid confusion, I've made this handy list of all the wonderful Scottish things that will be going on in the classroom:

1. Add kilts to the band uniforms.
Have you ever tried to put on a band uniform? Putting on a kilt would be so much easier. (We might have to add dressing rooms to the band room, though.) Won't that clash with the beautiful bumblebee black and yellow of the Stryper uniforms, though? No ma'am. (For those of you in the far future looking back over old posts, my only follower at this point is my mom. Hence the "No ma'am" instead of "No sir.") Never fear, the clan McLeod (say it, "McCloud") has black and yellow tartan. What about the capes? Might as well make those McLeod colors too.

2. Listen to really loud bagpipe music in the office when all the students come in.
Some mornings when my sister and I come into the band room, our teacher is listening to some dramatic music like an opera or Star Wars. Needless to say, while he's sitting in his office, unaware, Sarah and I dance dramatically around the room, spinning and leaping and every other kind of thing we can do in near-silence. (We always sneak in.)
Well, my students are going to come in to the sounds of bagpipes. Really really loud bagpipes, and they won't be playing "Scotland the Brave" or "Amazing Grace," either. They'll be playing pep band (maybe even Stryper), which leads us into the next item on the list:


3. Someone will play the bagpipes.
I wonder if it's possible to play the bagpipes and direct with a cowbell at the same time? Maybe I'll just stick the bagpipe section next to the slide whistle section.

4. The drummers will twirl their mallets.
You didn't know that was Scottish, did you? Yeah, it is. Those guys who play the toms are always twirling their mallets around in the air, like they're saying, "Look at me! I'm a hyper Scottish drummer! Give me a Red Bull!"
You should just see the bass drummers too.
Wait, what if:

5. There will be plaid drums.
Energy drinks+McLeod/Stryper uniforms+McLeod/Stryper drumheads+drummers twirling their mallets=Who cares what it equals? I just want to see it.

#14 How to tell if band members are secret Christians

It can be hard to be a Christian in the band, especially since it's in a public school. Some have decided to be a "secret Christian," which isn't very holy of them, but they're still a witness because they know all the loopholes in the system, and leave little hints and clues all over the place.
Are you an expert at this? How secret and yet Christian can you be?

The Official Guide To Being Secret Christians In The Band


1.You perk up when Stryper music is handed out: +1

2. You don't know any of the words to the secular pep band music: +1


3. You love Italian composers because of that verse in Acts that says Cornelius was in the Italian Band: +5

4. You prefer playing in 3/4 because three is holier than four: +3

5. You say things like "Adonai is my qodesh": +10


6. You really love the songs from "Fiddler on the Roof":+2


7. You're always requesting things like Haydn's "Creation" and Handel's "Messiah": +5


8. You know all the words to them:+8


9. Your instrument case has Psalm 1119 inscribed into it:+9


10. It's in Hebrew: +15

11. You play the ram's horn: +10


12. You spontaneously yell, "It's the Rapture!" when you hear the trumpets: +10

69: You're the holiest of the holy. You probably play your instrument with a Greek accent.


50-68: Pretty good, but you probably need to memorize more scripture from the life of Elijah. That guy was like the James Bond of prophets.

30-50: Eh, you're ok, but some people are catching on. You need to stop yelling "Hallelujah!" all the time.

15-30: Not good. Your Christian shirt that says, "Hello, I am a Christian," doesn't leave much doubt about who you are.

0-15: Well! Evangelizing, are you?

(I got this idea from the post "Rooting for the secret Christians on American Idol" on Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like, which you really should be reading instead of this blog.)

#13 We would do rock versions of classical music.

That's right, we're going to throw a little Maksim Mrvica in the mix. Where the bipolarity of Beethoven and the black and yellow of Stryper meet, that's us. (Whoa. Stryper somehow got into my pep band and concert music, and I don't even listen to them.) Wait a minute, what if we put the choir in there?
Stryper+Beethoven+choir singing "Our God is an Awesome God" in the background=perhaps the most intense moment in band history. Besides, with all those fermatas in Beethoven's Fifth, there's no way the cheerleaders will be able to dance to it.

#12 The Official Guide to pep band dynamics

Everyone knows that in pep band, p doesn't really mean quiet. It's all relative, isn't it? Yes, yes it is, but how do you know when to play loud and when to play deafeningly loud? Hmm...if only there were an:

Official Guide To Pep Band Dynamics

If it says pp, that means "play slightly quieter than the drummers." (This is very rare.)
If it says p, that means "play at an equal level of sound as the drummers." (Also pretty rare.)
If it says mf, that means "play slightly louder than the drummers."
If it says f, that means "play loud enough so that the audience can make out the melody over the drummers."
If it says ff, that means "drown out the drummers, good luck."

#11 We would play a game called "Play way too fast for the cheerleaders."

If there's one thing that irks band members (beside all those other things that irk band members), it's the cheerleaders.
They're always stealing our halftime shows.
And, we have to slow down so they can dance.
Well, we're going to play a game called "Play way too fast for the cheerleaders."
We'll show people who's boss. If you want slow music, get a recording, but then you'd be stealing our halftime shows again, wouldn't you?
Fine.
But we're going to play SO fast, I won't be able to keep up the directing with my cowbell. Besides, we'll be playing Stryper, and you can't exercise to Christian music.

#10 During study halls, I would lock myself in my office and air guitar like crazy to Audio Adrenaline.

Audio Adrenaline is probably second only to Stryper in the more intense rocking Christian bands, and they're one of my favorites. Maybe my students would think I was really weird for dancing around my office headbanging to "Some Kind of Zombie," but that's ok, it's a good way to identify which students are Christians, which should get its own post. Maybe the blue-haired skinny jean-wearing punks will join me, in which case we'll take it outside the office. Who doesn't love mosh pits in class?

#9 We would play Stryper for pep band.

Fine, I don't actually listen to Stryper, but where else do Christianity and pep band meet but Stryper? Wouldn't that make us an extra-holy band? Would we get 1's at the State Fair as a sign of God's blessing because of it?
Probably not, but hey, at least we'll have an excuse for our outrageous black-and-yellow-striped uniforms. Who wouldn't love that?

#8 I would find something better then the Concert B Flat Scale.

Every day, our band teacher tells us to warm up with the Concert B Flat Scale. Not that there's anything wrong with that, that's a great scale and it's the easiest for us B Flat instruments because there are no sharps or flats. (I don't know about those E Flat instruments. They can't transpose anyway.) It gets old, though. It's like eating the same thing every day. Like Brice said once, "Why can't we play the Concert B Sharp Scale?" To which the teacher responded, "There is no Concert B Sharp Scale," to which Brice responded, "We should invent one."

So, I have decided to make:

The Official If I Were A Band Teacher List Of Ways To Make The Concert B Flat Scale Better

Wow. That took a lot of breath. Good thing I play a wind instrument.

1. Count with a British accent
Everyone knows that British accents make everything better, and if you talk with one for the duration of the Concert B Flat Scale, you automatically become 16% cooler. If you do a perfect Winston Churchill impression, it goes up another 19%.

2. Throw stuff at the people who are faking their instruments
Granted, that one's a little violent, unless I threw stuff like pillows or cotton candy or hand sanitizer that's not in the bottle. Band isn't very sanitary, anyway.

3. Secretly have the clarinets play three octaves instead of two to throw everyone off
Everyone would hate that. Nobody likes the insane number of clarinets there are, anyway, and secretly allying myself with the clarinets would fit right in with my being a huge fan of drummers. Besides, half the instruments don't have that range. The french horns would just drop their instruments in their laps and glare at the clarinets who obviously are making a mistake, and the saxaphones would just go to sleep. The drummers wouldn't be able to hear what was going on. The whole time, I'd just stand there, directing with my cowbell.

4. Switch out the trumpet's valves the night before
THAT would not be intelligent. Being a trumpet myself (well, technically, I only play the trumpet; I'm a person), I know how they would react. Sabotage would not go over well, and they would only blame the drummers and start a big war, only made worse by those stupid clarinets, playing three octaves instead of two. I wonder why they did that.

5. Get one of the students to put up their hood and sneak around putting counterfeit money on people's stands
By far the strangest thing I've said all day, but just think how distracted the band would be when fifty dollar bills magically started appearing in front of their eyes? Band is looking better already, isn't it? Until they try to spend it and get arrested. That wouldn't be good.

#7 There would be a slide whistle section.

Who doesn't love slide whistles?!
Unfortunately, the slide whistle in our band "disappeared" this year. What probably actually happened was that the drummers messed with it too much, and the teacher took it away.
Very tragic.
Well, that's what happens when your drummers break stuff like bullet-proof drumheads and a woodblock. (How can a woodblock be broken? And yet our drummers did it.)
They probably had too many energy drinks.
In my band, there will be a whole section of those wonderful miniature trombones. They won't even have music, they'll just play what makes sense.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what if everyone in the band got a slide whistle as backup, in case their instrument was getting worked on, or if they just got tired of playing it for the moment? All of a sudden, Louie Louie is 28% more awesome when that trumpet solo becomes a slide whistle solo.
The Kingsmen never saw that coming.

#6 I would play the Mario theme song instead of the fight song.

All right, I probably wouldn't do this very often at this school, because we have one of the greatest fight songs ever, even though it's called "Stein Song" and was originally a drinking song. We never play it fast enough, though, because every year the teacher gets the same complaint the band is playing too fast for the cheerleaders.
That, I do not care about. When the cheerleaders become more important than the band, you've got problems. We should complain that every year the cheerleaders are dancing too slow for the band. (There's another post in there, trying to find its way out.)
However, if I were the teacher at another school with a slightly less awesome fight song, we would play the Mario theme song once in a while, just to see what the superintendent would do. I know the band would love it. The crowd, probably would not be so happy. After all, I would probably get an anonymous letter that said, "Your playing of such music encourages video games, which are filling our youth's minds with trash and leaves them sitting around all day."
Well.
Send to the band. I'll see what I can do with them.

#5 We'll all wear our Renaissance costumes to contest.

Yes, I also have a strange fascination with Renaissance clothing. Maybe I should just rename the blog "Strange Fascinations" and be done with it.
Everyone loves Renaissance clothes, though, even though we can't for the life of us spell it. We won't have to. Musicians don't have to spell.
Maybe I could grow a Leonardo da Vinci beard, too. Oh wait, what if we play Renaissance MUSIC to go with it? (Have you ever heard Renaissance music? Go look it up. Now.) Would we get extra points? Were powdered wigs in that early?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What if we threw out the regular uniforms (but kept the capes) and just wore Renaissance for EVERY performance?
Wouldn't that be great?

#4 I would give the drummers energy drinks.

Why does everybody hate the drummers? Am I just a really weird drum-supporting extremist? After all, we couldn't get by without the drummers. We don't even need a director, just drummers. (Kind of defeats the purpose of the blog, doesn't it?)
Ok, yes, they do play way fast when they want to, and way slow when they want to, or sometimes not at all. I would take over the trapset about that time, though, so it's ok.
The fact is, though, people just don't get the idea of PEP band.
They get the band part, but not the PEP part. Hey Jude isn't really a pep band song.
What makes the pep band peppy?
Drummers.
What makes the drummers peppier?
Energy drinks.
One time, Brice, who is not surprisingly a drummer, bought two energy drinks at a football game. Unfortunately, it was after we were done with the performance, or maybe he'd have gotten some of that energy out of him. He opened both of them, held one in each hand, and took a drink out of one and then the other.
"I lived last night," he said. "I lived."
That's what drummers do. They live.

#3 I would direct with a cowbell.

If you didn't want to join my band before, you DEFINATELY want to join it now. Songs with that barely-distinguishable cowbell in the background are awesome enough, and Low Rider blows everybody away, but what if the teacher directed with that bell of awesomeness?
Not only would people not have to look at me to keep the beat, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony would become 28% more intense and...cowbelly, which is totally not what it sounds like.
Whoa whoa whoa, what if instead of a gong, we just had a REALLY BIG cowbell? Granted, it wouldn't have the resonance that a gong has, unless it went all the way up to the ceiling, but hey, that would just mean you have to hit it more often, which everybody would love.
Ok, I know what you're thinking. What's so great about a cowbell?
I guess you won't find out until I get to direct with one.

#2 I would play the trap set in class.

Ok, I don't actually play the trap set. I didn't even want to try it out in 5th grade.
However, if they didn't need me on first trumpet, I would know that I should have been a percussionist. (Isn't that WAY more impressive than "drummer"?) I think I would be good on the trap set, once I got the hang of it. After all, a leader shouldn't make his followers do anything that he wouldn't do himself.
Believe me, it will be kind of freaky, but kind of awesome, when I started my Animal impression. My students would never think of me the same again once their mild-mannered band teacher sits down on that little stool and is suddenly transformed into a drum-beating, headbanging, cape-flying drummer of awesomeness.
Besides, the drums are the only instrument in the band room that more than one person plays, anyway. I might get fired for playing someone else's clarinet. That would be weird.

#1 We would wear capes. Every day.

Ok, yes, I have a strange fascination with capes. (Almost as strange as my fascination with beards, but you can't make beards part of a band uniform, now can you?)
Studies show that approximately 87% of people think that band uniforms would be made awesomer by wearing a cape. Studies also show that 0% of those people are named "my band teacher." And, studies also show that 100% percent of people named "the school at which I go to band" are too cheap to buy uniforms, or perhaps bought lame uniforms recently and don't feel like trying again any time soon.
As if my band didn't make me feel like Charlie Brown anyway. I mean, who would choose those awesome tall fuzzy hats over the lame cowboy hats? That's what the people in this town do, and yet we all agree that these uniforms are ugly.
That's why, in MY band, we're going to wear capes.
Every day.
Maybe they'll even be personalized.