#42 The evilness of keyboards.

For those of you who haven't been playing the piano for 10+ years, there's a definite difference between pianos and keyboards.
In fact, there's a huge, gigantic, canyon-like difference.
One is an instrument.
One is...well, not an instrument.
Therefore, I bring to you today the:

Official Test of Keyboard Experience

If you have ever tried to play loudly on a keyboard, and it didn't work +2 points

If you have ever tried to play softly on a keyboard, and it didn't work +2 points

If you've ever tried to play anything longer than a quarter note, and it didn't work +4 points

If you've ever played a song that has a glissando at the end that goes all the way to the top key and then when you played it for the keyboard on the first time you find out that it doesn't actually have 88 keys so you have to improvise the ending +8 points

You won first in the competition anyway -5 points

You've started playing a quick passage, and the MC had to come hold the keyboard steady because it was rocking back and forth +5

You've wondered why, if they're not going put 88 keys on there, they won't make it go from F to F, instead of from C to C +15 points

You've played Classical or Baroque especially on a keyboard and justified it to yourself by saying it was "historically informed performance," when it's really not +8 points

How did you score?

#41 Lasers.

In my day, I have seen a great many people pretend their instruments were guns.
That is dumb.
However, I have never been to a concert where the instruments had lasers on them.
I've never been to a laser show, and I may be wrong, but it sounds boring. Classical music bores people anyway, so if you put the two together, it obviously makes awesome, which isn't gramatically correct.
You've seen how marching bands sway their instruments back and forth. How about fully choreographed formations in the darks with lasers from the swaying instruments, along with a conductor who's dancing around. Probably holding a laser pointer.
That's me.
I might even throw some Stryper in there. If I can figure out how to make a black laser.

#40 I would NOT grow a beard.

I don't need to tell you that our band teacher isn't very intimidating.

Actually, yes I do. You've probably never seen him.

At any rate, one day some people told him he should grow a beard.

Unfortunately for them, he's allergic to facial hair.

And yet, he's not exactly what you'd call "clean-shaven."

However, musicians should never grow beards.

Think about it. Who has beards?

ZZ Top.

David Crowder.

Debussy. (Yes, I have a deep dislike for the music of Debussy.)

The only good musician that had a beard was Brahms (pictured), and he did it right.

Not like people grow beards today.

Not to mention his SWEET tie.

The ancient Greeks thought that beards separated the men from the boys.

Times changes, my Greeks. Beards separate the musicians from the drummers. (Although Brice did shave his off.)

Mutton chops, however, are acceptable.

Rossini, who wrote William Tell, had mutton chops.

Beethoven, who wrote everything else, had mutton chops (when he was younger).

Martin van Buren had mutton chops.

What's that you say? Van Buren was a president?

Perhaps, but he was the coolest president to ever be elected.

#39 I would dance around while conducting.

All right, I admit that with the cowbell and things, this conducting thing is getting really crowded.
Therefore, I'll only do this during concerts.
Sometimes, Mr. Band Teacher does Moderately Dramatic Conducting Gestures, which really aren't that funny. Having been to a concert in every concert hall in the world, I know how strange conductors can get. Everybody else in the band room doesn't have this kind of experience.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and can barely breathe, let alone conduct. You think they're going to die in the middle of the performance. It's a good thing they're deaf, or the sforzandos might give them heart attacks.
Some conductors are REALLY old, and yet REALLY hyper. Like Ton Koopman. (Does 'Ton' rhyme with 'Ron,' or 'Run'?) He has a beard (which is an automatic sign of weirdness in a musician), and the way he conducts you'd think he was bending over to tie his shoe every other beat.
I am going to dance around.
I'm going to be like the Dallas Cowboys. Either you LOVE me, or you HATE me, but either way I'm really rich and have a 90-yard TV.
Every once in a while, I'll even wear a Stryper-flavored tie.
Maybe even a Stryper-flavored suit.
You may be thinking, "Don't Baptists think dancing is wrong?"
In that case, I'm thinking, "Who told you I was a Baptist?"
To answer the first question: kind of.
School dances are pointless.
Halftime show dances are wrong for obvious reasons.
Organized crowds who dance in music videos are a crime against music.
Dancing at weddings...we don't dance at weddings. (Don't ask to explain; I've never been married.)
However, David did dance before the Lord.
We're allowed to do happy, I-just-won-a-million-dollars-on-a-game-show dances.
And occasionally, we're allowed to dance for the sake of conducting. Right?
Don't worry, I won't push it. Just an occasional hammertime across the stage.

#38 Metronomes.

The keyboard in our bandroom has a built-in metronome. Not that we use it. Except for that one time. I can't remember which band teacher it was, but he/she had to adjust it several times to match our tempo during the song.
Cause we couldn't hear it. Duh.
I want a metronome for Christmas. There is a metronome online that I use, but I don't really like to do that, because without fail, when I open it up and play the piano to it, someone always comes over to get on the computer. Then I can't adjust it or turn it off. So I just finish what I'm doing, say, "You can turn that off now," and leave.
But that volume on the computer is still turned all the way up.
That's what you get for taking over when I'm using the metronome.

#37 F. Liszt, young man, is Fliszt.

In case you were wondering, here it is: Franz Liszt was the most talented man to ever live.
Maybe.
In my opinion, the most talented man in living memory.
But what about...Jubal?
Genesis 4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
Now, of course mankind was much more intelligent then. People were probably also more musically talented.
What would happen if Jubal and Liszt had a conversation? Let's imagine for a moment that Liszt got converted on his deathbed (hey, it's possible), and also that arguments are possible in Heaven. Here's how it would go down...

Jubal: Hey, aren't you that punk pianist from the 1800's?

Liszt: Yeah...many hail me as the greatest pianist of all time.

Jubal: Yeah right. Everybody knows that I was way more talented than you.

Liszt: But pianos weren't even invented when you were alive, so my statement stands.

Jubal: That's probably true, but I played music twice as hard as yours. With my nose.

Liszt: Gross.

Jubal: Believe me, there were way less germs back in my day. But that's beside that point. I eat your etudes for breakfast.

Liszt: You have no idea what kind of musical madness I would have turned out if I hadn't died so young.

Jubal: You were seventy-five! Besides, you retired from composing to become a priest, so technically you shouldn't even be here.

Liszt: It was always my dream to become a priest...

Chopin: Why did you mess around with that one lady if you wanted to be a priest?

Liszt: Well, you did too.

Jubal: Whoa whoa whoa, guys, this is not appropriate heavenly conversation. And who are you anyway?

Chopin: Chopin. You know, the most talented pianist of all time.

Liszt: I don't think so. I am. You're just the most talented composer of all time. Or you would be, if you composed for something other than just the piano.

Jubal: Hey now, I'm the most talented composer of all time.

Liszt: How do we know that? I mean, the Bible just says that you were the father of all that handle the harp and organ. It doesn't say that you did.

Jubal: Just ask my brother here, Jabal.

Chopin: You don't have a brother named Jabal. You made that up.

Jubal: No I didn't. I also have a brother named Tubal.

Liszt: His name was Tubalcain, not Tubal.

At least, that's I picture it happening. What do you think Jubal would say to Liszt if he had that chance?