Today, it was hot in the band room.
Maybe it was because it was below freezing outside.
But it was hot.
Mr. Band Teacher (we're good at protecting privacy on this blog) said that "Unless someone messed with my thermostat, it should be 69 degrees."
Yeah, only here's the problem. It's fall. The heat's on, not the air conditioning. Therefore, it can get to 200 degrees without anyone adjusting the thermostat.
It was hot.
It was even hotter six feet above the floor on the risers.
For those of you who didn't know this, we have drummers who are very...drummer-like.
For those of you not in band, that would be a hyperactive kid who just had a pop.
So, the drummers were hot. And, since they're drummers, they do a lot more physical flying around than we do, so they were hotter than the rest of us.
Luke said, "I will take my shirt off."
Mr. Band Teacher said, "All right."
And he took his shirt off. (Luke. Not the band teacher.)
The teacher was amused.
He overlooks too much. That's why there's no discipline in this bandroom.
When the drummers can't find their music, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
Once they find their music and don't play it, he yells at them, which they don't care about.
See what I mean? No discipline.
A fact only made worse by the fact that he doesn't enforce the dress code.
There is no telling what this will lead to.
Soon band will no longer be a morally safe place to go to.
Mercy, band, mercy.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
#24 The section leaders would get special treatment.
Heheh.
Recently in Social Studies I learned about a concept called "patronage."
It's when people get along with the President, and he lets them do important stuff.
Or something.
Well that's how it's going to work in my bandroom.
The teacher is King in the classroom, which means he can do anything he wants. This is why so many people hate their teachers.
They're dictators.
My dad always says that he's a "benevolent dictator," and that's what a teacher should be.
I'll be benevolent to you if you'll be benevolent to me.
So, if you fetch me a drink, direct for me while I drink it, organize the music vault, iron the uniforms, oversee the band members while they tune, and a whole host of other obsequious duties (did I use that correctly?), maybe, just maybe, you'll get to be a section leader.
And in my band, that would be the greatest thing ever.
Special Benefits
I'll buy you food at games.
I'll buy you food at the State Fair.
You get to attend the top-secret meetings of the section leaders.
(Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell about that.)
I'll give you rides. Unless you think I'm creepy. That one's optional.
You get to wear a cooler hat than the drum major. Unless you are the drum major. Then you get to wear two hats.
You get glow sticks on your uniform.
You get a bust of Beethoven.
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff, because of whom much is required, much is given. There's a whole lot of awesome in a section leader. Believe me. There are like two in our band, in spite of five or eight sections.
It's just me and you, Tristen. Just me and you.
Recently in Social Studies I learned about a concept called "patronage."
It's when people get along with the President, and he lets them do important stuff.
Or something.
Well that's how it's going to work in my bandroom.
The teacher is King in the classroom, which means he can do anything he wants. This is why so many people hate their teachers.
They're dictators.
My dad always says that he's a "benevolent dictator," and that's what a teacher should be.
I'll be benevolent to you if you'll be benevolent to me.
So, if you fetch me a drink, direct for me while I drink it, organize the music vault, iron the uniforms, oversee the band members while they tune, and a whole host of other obsequious duties (did I use that correctly?), maybe, just maybe, you'll get to be a section leader.
And in my band, that would be the greatest thing ever.
Special Benefits
I'll buy you food at games.
I'll buy you food at the State Fair.
You get to attend the top-secret meetings of the section leaders.
(Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell about that.)
I'll give you rides. Unless you think I'm creepy. That one's optional.
You get to wear a cooler hat than the drum major. Unless you are the drum major. Then you get to wear two hats.
You get glow sticks on your uniform.
You get a bust of Beethoven.
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff, because of whom much is required, much is given. There's a whole lot of awesome in a section leader. Believe me. There are like two in our band, in spite of five or eight sections.
It's just me and you, Tristen. Just me and you.
#23 There would be no inappropriate jokes.
Those of you in band know that there is no greater place for dirty jokes than the band room.
For those of you with clean minds, I'll spare you the details. (There was one yesterday that I didn't understand at all, much to my relief. I don't want to know.)
What SHOCKS and APPALLS me, however, is the fact that the teacher doesn't do anything about it. Now, the last band teacher, I can see him allowing that. I can even see him making the jokes.
But apparently, no matter how much dignity you've got, it doesn't mean you can maintain
discipline.
He could at least try.
Oh well.
In MY bandroom, we would go by what Paul said, when he gave one of those lists of those sins and then said to not let those things be even mentioned among you.
That's in the Bible.
Somewhere.
Better not tell anyone, though. I could get sued. You've got to be sneaky to be a Christian in the band.
For those of you with clean minds, I'll spare you the details. (There was one yesterday that I didn't understand at all, much to my relief. I don't want to know.)
What SHOCKS and APPALLS me, however, is the fact that the teacher doesn't do anything about it. Now, the last band teacher, I can see him allowing that. I can even see him making the jokes.
But apparently, no matter how much dignity you've got, it doesn't mean you can maintain
discipline.
He could at least try.
Oh well.
In MY bandroom, we would go by what Paul said, when he gave one of those lists of those sins and then said to not let those things be even mentioned among you.
That's in the Bible.
Somewhere.
Better not tell anyone, though. I could get sued. You've got to be sneaky to be a Christian in the band.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
#22 I would direct with streamers.
I know, I'll be doing a whole lot for just directing, but let's add streamers. That will reinforce the beat when they go POP! It might be slightly hard to synchronize the popping with the cowbelling, though. But hey, at least you can snap people with streamers. Not hard though. That'll get you fired.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
#21 The students would have good posture.
Recently, one of our trumpeteers (that sounds much better than trumpeter, doesn't it?) went to the chiropracter. Apparently, he was in pretty bad shape.
It was because he has bad posture, of course.
I also have pain in my core, but that's because I don't have enough muscle mass to keep my bones in place. That's ok, though. I don't know why.
Whatever, today we tuned and that always takes forever because Tristen is the only one who's ever in tune on the first try because he has more talent than the rest of us put together or why do you think he gets 1's at contest?
Most of us were flat.
Rabbit trail! How do you know whether to pull a slide out of push a slide in to get in tune? Which makes it sharper and which makes it flatter?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
(At this point, most people will say "ow," like you actually just stabbed them with a knife.)
"It's SHARP, pull it OUT!"
Oh, the genius of Mrs. Grover.
But, I digress.
Most of us were flat.
Why were we flat?
Because we had bad posture.
NOT SO in Mr. Neumann's class!
Nobody will slouch, nobody will lean on the back of their chairs (what if we used stools?), and nobody, NOBODY WILL EVER CROSS THEIR LEGS!
That way, they'll all be in tune.
What if they aren't?
We'll just go with Dillon's solution: stab them with knives.
After all, he did tell us that his back was hurting from "all this good posture."
It was because he has bad posture, of course.
I also have pain in my core, but that's because I don't have enough muscle mass to keep my bones in place. That's ok, though. I don't know why.
Whatever, today we tuned and that always takes forever because Tristen is the only one who's ever in tune on the first try because he has more talent than the rest of us put together or why do you think he gets 1's at contest?
Most of us were flat.
Rabbit trail! How do you know whether to pull a slide out of push a slide in to get in tune? Which makes it sharper and which makes it flatter?
If I stab you with a knife, what are you going to say?
(At this point, most people will say "ow," like you actually just stabbed them with a knife.)
"It's SHARP, pull it OUT!"
Oh, the genius of Mrs. Grover.
But, I digress.
Most of us were flat.
Why were we flat?
Because we had bad posture.
NOT SO in Mr. Neumann's class!
Nobody will slouch, nobody will lean on the back of their chairs (what if we used stools?), and nobody, NOBODY WILL EVER CROSS THEIR LEGS!
That way, they'll all be in tune.
What if they aren't?
We'll just go with Dillon's solution: stab them with knives.
After all, he did tell us that his back was hurting from "all this good posture."
Thursday, October 7, 2010
# 20 The True Test of Bandish...ness...
Are you a hardcore, die-hard, never say never band member? Or are you the band equivalent of a sweaty Philistine? (Secret Christian, secret Christian.) Let's just take us a little test, why don't we? Let's see how much you know. It's time for the:
Evaluation Of Band Member Sweetness Test
1. True or False: It is indeed possible to burp while playing a note. (Drummers may skip this question.)
2. True or False: It's possible to break a bullet-proof drumhead.
3. True or False: There is indeed such a thing as trap set music.
4. True or False: Eight march steps take four yards.
5. True or False: At solo and ensemble contest, you have to go in the exact order of contestents as the schedule says.
6. True or False: At the State Fair, they count you down if you put black tape on your shoes instead of just wearing black shoes.
7. True or False: At junior high large group contest, you perform in a gymnasium.
8. True or False: When standing at attention, your feet are shoulder-width apart.
9. True or False: It is indeed possible to march with a French Horn.
10. True or False: If you eat garlic before a performance, your instrument will sound like a peacock.
Answers: 1. True. I've done it many times.
2. True. Our drummers did it. They also broke a woodblock and a cowbell.
3. False. A drummer always improvises on the trap set.
4. False. Eight march steps take five yards, or 22 and 1/2 inches per step.
5. False. If someone shows up early, they take them.
6. False. We do it all the time.
7. True. The acoustics are wonderful.
8. False. You stand with heels together.
9. All right, so technically this one's true, but they never do. If you play the French horn, you march with a fleugel horn.
10. True. You have to word really at it, though.
How did you score?
10: You have played in the band since fifth grade, or possibly fourth grade. You know all kinds of things like how "one more time" means half an hour of "one more times" and how if you get valve oil on your hands, you're never getting it off.
6-9: You're ok. You know the Concert B Flat Scale pretty well. Maybe you play first part, but you don't get any solos.
3-5: You play the harmony at second or third, and you like it. You don't have to work very hard, and nobody notices when you're supposed to be playing but you're not.
0-2: We could use a couple people like you. Unfortunately, 98% of the band is you. Why are you here? You should know, there are no easy A's in my band class.
Evaluation Of Band Member Sweetness Test
1. True or False: It is indeed possible to burp while playing a note. (Drummers may skip this question.)
2. True or False: It's possible to break a bullet-proof drumhead.
3. True or False: There is indeed such a thing as trap set music.
4. True or False: Eight march steps take four yards.
5. True or False: At solo and ensemble contest, you have to go in the exact order of contestents as the schedule says.
6. True or False: At the State Fair, they count you down if you put black tape on your shoes instead of just wearing black shoes.
7. True or False: At junior high large group contest, you perform in a gymnasium.
8. True or False: When standing at attention, your feet are shoulder-width apart.
9. True or False: It is indeed possible to march with a French Horn.
10. True or False: If you eat garlic before a performance, your instrument will sound like a peacock.
Answers: 1. True. I've done it many times.
2. True. Our drummers did it. They also broke a woodblock and a cowbell.
3. False. A drummer always improvises on the trap set.
4. False. Eight march steps take five yards, or 22 and 1/2 inches per step.
5. False. If someone shows up early, they take them.
6. False. We do it all the time.
7. True. The acoustics are wonderful.
8. False. You stand with heels together.
9. All right, so technically this one's true, but they never do. If you play the French horn, you march with a fleugel horn.
10. True. You have to word really at it, though.
How did you score?
10: You have played in the band since fifth grade, or possibly fourth grade. You know all kinds of things like how "one more time" means half an hour of "one more times" and how if you get valve oil on your hands, you're never getting it off.
6-9: You're ok. You know the Concert B Flat Scale pretty well. Maybe you play first part, but you don't get any solos.
3-5: You play the harmony at second or third, and you like it. You don't have to work very hard, and nobody notices when you're supposed to be playing but you're not.
0-2: We could use a couple people like you. Unfortunately, 98% of the band is you. Why are you here? You should know, there are no easy A's in my band class.
#19 Disco directing!
(We're playing "Stayin' Alive" in band. Disco is "in".)
I'll already be directing with a cowbell.I'll already be directing with an English accent.
Could I add disco dancing into the mix?
Probably. It will be like The Beatles plus War plus the Bee Gees. I admit, it'll be hard to point up in both directions while holding a cowbell in one hand and holding a drumstick (cowbellstick?) in the other. I'll figure it out though. After all, what's college for?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
#18 I'll tell the choir members about this when they whine.
All you male choir members, be thankful. You live in a wonderful age. Not like they used to.
Friday, October 1, 2010
#17 Practice.
All bad jokes aside for this post. You're never going to get good at anything if you don't practice. Every day. With the possible exception of Sunday. Don't go breaking the Sabbath now.
There is only one way to do it.
Practice.
"If you knew how much work went into it, you wouldn't call it genius." --Michelangelo
There is only one way to do it.
Practice.
"If you knew how much work went into it, you wouldn't call it genius." --Michelangelo
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